Lesson Learned

New journal entry:

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/lesson-learned

Planning for 2012

New journal entry:

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/planning-for-2012

Feeling Triumphant

Today's journal entry:

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/feeling-triumphant

Sadness Happens

New journal entry:

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/sadness-happens

No Cookies for me

Here is today's journal entry:

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/no-cookies-for-me

Journal Entries

I have started a new weight loss and nutrition program today. I will post journal entries here as I write them, hopefully daily. It's time for changes and I'm going to accept them with smiles and positive thinking.

https://www.exercise.com/journal/erinmbrown13/the-journey-begins

Stress is not my friend

I have reached a point in my life where I am completely overwhelmed and I have no idea what to do about the stress I have at home. It's frustrating me and it's getting to where I'd rather be at work all the time than be home dealing with the chaos that has become my household. At least at work people appreciate my efforts and I am organized and on top of things. At home there is no organization, no being a step ahead of the game and obviously no control over the behaviors of the kids. (shaking my head) How in the hell did I get here?

I know the saying "kids will be kids", I know it well. I understand that kids are going to do things that get them in trouble because it's how they test boundries, it's how they see what they can and can't get away with. However, the kids in this household (my son and my niece) have gone so far beyond "normal" being a kid that it's almost criminal. There are only so many spankings, or time out, or groundings or removal or privileges that can be done before you are out of options. I've reached that breaking point. What else is there to do?

We are now contemplating locking our pantry and chaining up the refridgerator at night so they kids will stop sneaking food out of it at the crack of dawn in the morning when they sneak out of their room. They get into the sugar, mixing it in water and drink it, they eat the coffee creamer. They eat everything they can get their hands on so the adults won't have it. They have even gone so far as eating what was set out for me for dinner one evening because they were still "hungry". Now let me clarify, these kids are not hungry. They always get the largest portions when meals are served. They eat well, they eat at school too. They are not starving to death by any means. Yet they consistently sneak food and beverages thinking they won't get found out.

They both lie and fabricate stories so much that we can never believe anything either of them says. I know that kids will lie thinking that they will get in less trouble, however these kids have taken it to the extreme. Almost every word out of their mouths is a fabrication concocted in order to get the other one in the most trouble possible. It's just ridiculous. As I'm typing this they are both in corners down here on a time out for fighting. Now I know kids fight, but when it comes to objects being used to hit or slap each other with, things being thrown, or fists being used to punch each other in the face, I'm over it! I don't expect them to get along all the time, they will have their differences, however they can't get along for more than about 3 minutes a day.

We only have a three bedroom house, so separating the kids is impossible. My sister had them separated at one point and my niece was in the room with my sister. In my opinion that worked out well, the kids weren't fighting all the time and my son had even stopped wetting the bed. Then school started. My sister put the kids back in the same room because she wanted her privacy and space and there is no reason for the kids to be separated. So all the drama started again. This is getting ridiculous and I'm running out of options to make our living situation even somewhat comfortable anymore.

I originally went back to work so I could have money to pay off some debts I've accrued and to have money to spend on things that I want or need, so it wasn't coming out of household funds. However, that is not the case now. I'm struggling trying to figure out where all the money we need for everything is going to come from. I've thought about getting a second job, but that is completely unrealistic time wise. I have always stressed about money, maybe it's because I know what it's like to be poor and I don't want my child to live that way too. It's just all these demands on me are building up and I'm trying to handle things as they come, trying not to fall apart and let my depression and anxiety get the best of me, but it's hard when I'm outnumbered and I have no options to offer to make things better.

I worry about my sister, her health is not the best. She has to completely alter her lifestyle if she even wants to think about being healthy down the road. I've been trying to keep the stress level down here at home, however it bleeds over to her because I work and I'm not here during the day. Now that the kids are in school it's not so bad, she at least gets a break from them for a few uninterrupted hours during the day. Which I'm sure she appreciates.

I've started having nightmares again. I dream about my mom a lot. Dream that I'm running away from here but no matter where I run I always end up back at home with her. She tells me how disappointed she is in me, how she knew I would never amount to anything, how she should never have allowed me to be born. I dream of war and terrorist attacks on our country. I have to save our kids from the people who are trying to capture them. Most of the time I successfully hide the kids but then get captured myself, but sometimes I fail and the kids get drug away by the "bad people". I have dreamed of being in a hospital where I have no idea what is going on. The doctor comes in to talk to me and explains that I killed my entire family and that's why I'm there. I've even dreamed where I take my own life and I watch people's reactions at my funeral. It's not a pleasant experience to have your mind so full of negativity and fear. I dread going to sleep at night because I know something F'd up is going to happen in my dream and I'm going to wake up all sorts of upset about it. (Gee I sound like I need therapy huh?) I totally can't afford therapy right now or I'd be there.

I guess this blog has been a vent session for me. Too bad I don't really feel any better now that I've gotten it down and out. I guess I'll just have to see where things go from here and hope that something changes soon in a positive direction. I'm not sure how much more of the chaos I can handle.

~Shut up and go drink your coffee Pandora, me thinks you doth complain too much ~

Word's I never thought I'd say....

I jogged tonight! I jogged 1/2 miles tonight. It's not much but after my ankle fracture last year I wasn't sure I would be able to run/jog again anytime soon. I am very proud of the fact that I went 1/2 a mile, but my stamina is very low. I was breathing very hard and my legs and rear burned. However, I now have a goal to work up to and what better time to start than now.

I have been inspired watching Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition lately. Chris Powell does an amazing job getting these people motivated and on track to a happier and healthier lifestyle. I have watched these morbidly obese people work out, sweat, cry and push themselves to the limit to achieve their goals. They lose hundreds of pounds over the course of a year and look amazing. If they can do it, why can't I lose the 50-60 pounds I need to lose in a year? (or less hopefully). I am not morbidly obese but I am clinically obese. I don't qualify for weight loss surgeries or a show where a great trainer helps me through my weight loss. I have to do this myself. The thought of finally taking responsibility for my health terrifies me. I have made excuses for years. Well it's time to put the excuses away and take control before I get older and end up one of those people in agony wishing I had done things differently.

I recently went back to work. After being a stay at home wife and mother for 9 months, I decided that I missed having my own money to spend on things that I wanted to do or wanted to buy. I always felt guilty for spending money on myself because it took away from household money. Now there is no worries, I have a great job that pays well and I love the crew I work with. It's stressful sometimes (especially when my supervisor goes on vacation and I have to do my job and his with only 2 days of proper training in my position!) However, I think that I am learning more about the position daily and I'm hoping that I am making a good impression with the company.

I've been pretty anxious lately because of getting back into the routine of working. When I first started my job, I was coming home, eating dinner and going straight to bed. I wasn't interacting with the kids, or my sisters. Hell I was barely human by the time I got home. Mental exhaustion was overwhelming and I let it consume me. Now with the help of a wake up call from my sister, I am aware of what I had been doing. It wasn't healthy for me and I was isolating myself from my family without even realizing I was doing it. So I made up my mind to change it. There have been many changes noted lately that I am slowly integrating into my life. That way I can be healthy, happy and satisfied with myself. I should smile when I look in the mirror, not think of all the things that I dislike about myself.

I need to drink more water. It's hard when I have myself engrossed in work all day to remember to stop every few moments and take a drink. What usually happens is I drink very little during the day, come home, feel guilty and try to get in all my daily intake at night before bed. (See where this is going?) I spend all night up going potty because my bladder is trying to filter all that water that I guzzled in a matter of a few hours. I noticed there is an app for the iPhone that reminds you to drink water. I know this sounds lazy, needing an app to tell me to drink water, but if it helps me remember why not? It's something that I need to do for my health, it's important.

I need to exercise more. I can always find a reason not to work out. I'm good at that. However, this weight isn't going to lose itself. I'm still over 200 pounds and I've been that way for 9 years now. I can't take it anymore. I miss the days of wearing clothes that didn't say plus size or XXL. I miss being able to wear skirts or shorts and not have my thighs rub raw. I am going to commit myself to working out 5 days a week. There are plenty of options for me to do so and I don't need a gym membership for any of them. The track up the street at the high school is perfect for walking and jogging. Lots of folks utilize it. Even if I can't jog every night, as long as I am walking at a moderate pace, it'll still burn calories and help keep my metabolism in line so I don't develop more health issues. I would also like to add in some other exercises for my arms and abs since those are the two areas that I need to most toning up in. I cannot allow myself to keep making excuses to sit around and watch tv, I need to get moving so I can get bragging rights when I meet my goals.

I need to eat healthier. This I am already doing to a point. I love veggies and fruits, I want to incorporate more fish into my diet as well. My portion sizes are getting smaller and I am trying not to over indulge on the sweet treats. (That trip to the Little Debbie's bakery store was probably not a good idea). I haven't eaten but a few of the Debbie's snacks, so I'm really keeping myself to moderation where desserts and treats are concerned. It's hard, I love food! However I do not love the fact that I'm still overweight and the older I get the more I dislike my appearance.

I also am going to take time for me. Even if it's something small, a pedicure, a new pair of pj's, a new hair color, it's about me. I make plenty of money now and as long as I don't go hog wild and blow all of it, spending some on myself to make myself feel good is perfectly ok. I think I deserve it. I think every woman deserves it honestly. (yeah guys push a baby out of your coochie and then tell me you don't think it's ok to get your toe nails painted!) ;P

So these are my thoughts as of lately. I know that I am not very consistent on my entries. I am hoping to change that and actually get my feelings out there. How can people even say they understand what I'm going through if I don't tell them the situation?

By the way, I have rediscovered my love for coffee. I have a cup every morning and it's what gets me through my work mornings. Coffee can't fix my life, but it sure can make me feel better about making the changes to fix it myself! =D

Out of the cave

It's been a few weeks since I made a post. I've got no good excuse other than I just didn't feel like writing. I had a cold for about a week, which put me down and out. I felt horrible and negative about everything. Then I get over the cold and mother nature decides to come spend her week with me. That really makes me feel antisocial and angry. I didn't feel there was anything positive to write about so I laid on my couch and kept my grumpiness to myself.

However there has been lots to write about. For the past week I have been getting the house in order for our new guests who will be arriving in just 3 more days! They are getting onto the bus today and their cross country adventure begins. I don't know who is more excited, me or them. Hubby thinks I'm adorable with how excited about all this I am, it'll be chaotic getting our schedules in sync but it'll be fun.

There will be a lot to do when they get here to get them established as TN residents. We will have lots of important stuff to do but we can't forget about having fun too. Spring break starts for Dakota on March 21st, so I'm going to take that week to go with them and explore this beautiful town. There is much to do that doesn't require money at all. Walks, parks, bridges....it all depends on if the weather decides to work with me or against me at that point.

There is still a big job that I have to get finished before Monday morning when I have to go pick up my new roommates. I HAVE to organize Dakota's bedroom to make room for his new roommate. He will be sharing a room for the first time in his life. He says he's excited about it and that he is so happy to have another child around to play with and talk to. I think this is going to be a very good thing for both kids, and they will become close, just like siblings. I don't look forward to the first knock down drag out fight but that's what siblings do so I expect it.

I can't believe that time has gone so quickly. I remember when it was months until their arrival and it felt like it would never get here. Now, it's here and there is no turning back. I am so excited and happy to be able to help them. They deserve the best out of life and where they are out now they hit a rough spot and just can't seem to get around it easily. Now they have the chance to start over, literally. I can help them and give them the lifestyle that they want and that their daughter needs. It'll be a good thing for all of us. I'll get to have my dearest friends here with me. Now if I could just get my best friend and her family to move out here it would be perfect (wink wink).

So for now that's what's on my mind. Just getting ready to expand this household from 3 to 6. Instant family, just add water. :D

A nice day out

Yesterday hubby and I decided that since I wasn't having my colonoscopy done and he had the day off anyway, that we should do something fun together. We planned on going up to cloudland canyon to go hiking. I love to hike, I love being outdoors and I so desperately needed to be out in nature after a winter of being stuck inside. We left first thing in the morning to get an early start because we had to be back home by 3pm to pick up my son from school. We both left the house with smiles, not sure what the day full of adventure would bring but looking forward to spending the time together.

We started off the day with coffee. As I was packing up the backpack and making our picnic lunch, coffee was brewing and the smell of hazelnut once again filled our kitchen. I busted out our travel mugs and we were ready to rock n roll. We headed out and ended up at McDonalds for breakfast. I got an egg mcmuffin and a fruit and yogurt parfait. Yum! We headed into Georgia to Cloudland Canyon and I sat looking out the window enjoying the drive as we traveled.

When we arrived at the park the weather was overcast and slightly breezy. Not too cold but not too hot either. In my opinion it was perfect hiking weather. Being down in the canyon the temperature would be cooler as well. We parked and got out to go examine the trail board and figure out which trail we wanted to do. The last time we were there a few years back we took the trail to the waterfall. While beautiful, the 1200 stairs you have to climb sucked and we left the park that day feeling like we were both dying. This time we decided to keep it simple and do the West Rim trail. The info about the trail warned that it was moderately strenuous and that people with heart conditions should proceed with caution. Ok well I'm sure I can handle this. We began. The trail itself wasn't too bad, however there were many parts where we had to navigate around tree roots and rocks in the pathway, typical hiking stuff. There were as many sections leading down as there were sections leading up, so our legs were getting a great workout. We set an alarm and at noon we stopped to have lunch. We had walked for about 2 hours at that point and the break was wonderful.

Along the way we took many photos and I discovered something. I apparently am losing my fear of heights. I was on cliff facings and looking down trying to get the coolest pictures of stuff. I never would have done that before. There was a particular rock facing that I just "had" to get to, so I climbed myself over to it. Hubby was shocked. He's so used to be standing on the trail going "Yeah that's pretty". I really just went for it and decided that mother nature wasn't going to let anything happen to me that day. Hawks flew all around and I even got an up close view of a hawk taking off in flight. The wing span was amazing and they are such beautiful birds.

We had lunch in a fenced overlook that gave a beautiful view of the canyon. I had a PB&J sandwich, some chips and a strawberry fruit bar. (which are delicious). We had our bottles and were drinking plenty of water. After lunch the fun part began, climbing back out of the canyon.

We began at a good enough pace to get out. However going out was much harder than coming in. There were steep upgrades that required actual muscle use and we were already tired from the 2 1/2 miles we walked in. The pace went from normal to slow quickly for both of us. I was breathing hard and using the small trees to pull myself up the hills and kept stumbling over the roots and rocks. We stopped more on the way out because it was obviously tiring us out. It was harder on hubby, he's not as in shape as I am, so I wanted to make sure he was ok and not having added difficulty. We made it out and into the car we went. I drove us home and it was so hard to stay awake. My body was ready for a nap at that point. I struggled the entire way home and got us here safely. I had 30 minutes to crash on the couch then I had to go get the boy from school.

The rest of the evening was pretty low key. Went to bed early and slept pretty well through the night. This morning I'm not sore at all. My ankles are a little stiff, but that's it. Hubby says he's sore from about the waist down. He says however that no matter how sore he is, he had a great time and we will do it again. That makes me feel better. I am in better shape now than I was the last time we adventured in the canyon so maybe that's why it's not affecting me like it did before. I'm tired don't get me wrong but overall I feel good.

I'm planning on going out to walk later this afternoon too. It won't be a canyon adventure, but at this point I think my body will feel blessed for the flat, paved track of Heritage Park. I can also take Bailey with me today, we didn't take her yesterday because we weren't sure what the rule about pets was at the canyon. There is not way that dog would have made that hike, so I'm glad we opted to leave her safely at home.

I'm hoping that adding this extra activity to my daily routine will help get me back into a healthy place were I can start feeling good about myself. I need to get into shape. I have big plans this summer that include lots of outings with friends and kids and I want to make sure that I can keep up with the plans. I'm looking forward to everything that is coming up and I know that I can accomplish my goals if I just keep a positive outlook and take it one day at a time.

On that note, it's coffee and horror movie time. What a great way to spend a morning.

Happiness doesn't last forever....

I knew it was too good to be true. Us a happy family, yeah right. Once again my son has managed to piss my husband off to the point where he reacted to the situation and I have to just shut up and deal with the consequences for my son's stupid actions. I am so tired of this. Why can't the two of them just get along. I had such a good day and we had a good night out shopping, then we come home and the screaming match began. Dakota wasn't listening, he left the hall light on for the millionth time when he went to his room. He got told never to turn the light on again. I yelled for him to come downstairs for him to correct his homework which resulted to him not turning his bedroom light off either. Which resulted in Nathan turning the power off to my son's bedroom. It will get turned back on in 2 weeks when my friends move in. Now mind you my son is terrified of the dark. So now he has to suffer with pitch blackness in his room because he again for the millionth time left the light on when not in his room. Whatever.

My husband and I have been married going on 5 years. For 5 years it's been the same song and dance between my son and my husband. You would think my son would remember things that he's been told to do over and over again. But he does not. This causes my husband and I to fight because I always jump to my son's aide and defend him even when my son is in the wrong. This has to stop, hubby and I have to be a unified front and have the same set of punishments for behavior that is careless and absent minded. So I sit down here with knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes because my son has always been the source of conflict in our relationship. It just kills me to think that the conflict is only going to get worse as my son gets older, because he's not really my husband's son, he's a "step" child. Granted all hubby does is yell, but when he hollers, he hollers, it even made me jump. Now my son is back to the "I knew he didn't really want to be my dad"....attitude.

Why? Why does my decision to have a child have to cause such an issue. This isn't the first relationship I've been in where my son has been a "problem" for other people. No he's not perfect, no even close, the child has more issues than a magazine vendor. However I chose to bring him into this world, he's my son, my responsibility and he and I are a package deal. There is no "send him to live somewhere else". That is not even an option. I try and I try and I do and I do but for what. It all to end in a screaming match with my husband pissed and not wanting to be around my son. This is why we don't do many "family" things together. I have my relationship with my husband, I have my relationship with my son, however I cannot have a relationship with the three of us as a family because sooner or later shit like this happens and it all falls apart.

Now what? I go upstairs and act like I'm not upset by the recent outburst. If I say anything it'll get into a fight between me and my husband because "I don't know how to raise a child with discipline and I let him do whatever he wants". "I'm too much of a pushover and that's why he acts like this". I've heard it all before. All of my son's issues in life are because of me. Me not knowing how to be a mother, me not wanting to be like my mother so I don't issue discipline like I should. Me having too many men in my life so the child never had stability. It's all my fault. So now I think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I thought I was doing ok, he seems to be a happy healthy child. However, the only one who sees him like I do is me. Everyone else thinks he's a pain in the ass and "it's only 10 more years till he's 18". That is something that makes a mother feel great, knowing that it's a countdown to her child's 18th birthday.

Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe it's not like that at all. However it sure does seem that way to me. I just don't know what to do. I guess just suck it up and not get involved because this is between my husband and my son and it wasn't my decision in the first place. I just wish for once that I could have a happy family, I guess that's just too much to ask.

Beautiful day today

This morning started off a bit rough, I was groggy and in a bad sad panda sort of mood. However my day got progressively better. After lunch I took hubby back to work and kept the car for the afternoon. Since it was so nice and sunny out, I took Bailey to the dog park downtown. She had fun romping with some other dogs but soon realized that she is not a big dog and should not play with dogs that are much larger than herself. A few yelps for help later and some skittish moments and she was finally able to come out of her cautious shell and play again. She got flipped and stepped on by a dog that was part black lab part greyhound (big boy). He was just playing but it was a bit too rough for my 8 pound princess.

I picked my son up from school, picked hubby up from work and we went to our optometry appointments. Hubby got two pair of new glasses ordered. One for daily wear and one for computer work. I got one new pair ordered and I have the prettiest purple frames. They are so different from anything that I would have worn in the past. They are a little out of my comfort zone because they are attention getting, but I think that I can work with it because they are really cute. The boy child's eyes are perfect vision wise, however there is another problem that he is having.

The doctor recommended vision therapy for Dakota because just doing the basic eye test (follow the pencil, look at my ear sort of requests), Dakota couldn't keep up. His eyes fatigue quickly and he does not have the muscle control that a child his age should have. Once we get reimbursed for mine and hubby's appointment costs today we will be able to set up the initial vision therapy appointment which is two separate appointment dates. If it's decided that Dakota needs therapy the length of time will be determined based on the physician's findings during his testing period. It's a long road ahead of the little guy, but if it helps him to be able to work in school and read better, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I called this morning and cancelled the colonoscopy appointment. I will make the appointment again later in the year when we have available funds to pay for such things. If my condition gets worse in the meantime, I will go see my primary care doctor and find out if I have any other options other than a surgical procedure. (Yes a colonoscopy is considered surgery). I haven't been having any issues lately, but I have been taking notice of what things aggravate my stomach and trying to avoid those things entirely.

We had a quick dinner tonight since we got home so late and I am so ready just to veg out and not move the rest of the night. I'm so exhausted and I didn't do anything all that strenuous today at all. At the dog park I basically stood around and threw a frisbee or ball to the dogs. So I will take my shower and curl up in the bedroom shortly hoping to find something good on tv tonight. I look forward to being able to see our tv clearly in 7-10 business days. Once I get my new glasses I'll make sure I post pictures on facebook for everyone to tell me what they think.

For now I'm in a decent mood, just tired. Tomorrow is another day and I'm thinking if this weather keeps up I'm going to be happy to be outside and getting active. Yay for an early Spring!

So much for that

Tonight has been one of the most horrible nights I've had in a long time. I got a letter in the mail from the colonoscopy center today with an overview of my procedure costs for Thursday. I burst into tears when I read it. Just for the colonoscopy it's going to be $606. That's not counting the surgery center fees, the doctor's fees or the anesthesiologist's fees. We simply cannot afford that at this point. I will have to call the center tomorrow and cancel the appointment. I didn't realize that insurance wouldn't cover more than that, or I never would have wasted the doctor's time in the first place.

Hubby was so disappointed when he read the letter as well. He feels he's not able to provide the things I need, like health care. I told him simply it's not his fault. I used to work in the insurance business, I should have known that our policy was 80/20 and taken that into account before making all these appointments. We had an emotional conversation about it and it was decided that maybe in the future we can make the appointment but for now it simply cannot be paid for. I can't stop crying and he fell asleep, so that conversation didn't really make either of us feel a damned bit better.

Right now I feel as if the only things I bring into a relationship are financial and emotional stress. I have debt and keep accruing more as time goes on it seems. I messed up hubby's credit when the car in both our names got repossessed. I feel like moving back in brought a whole lot of unnecessary stress to him. He says differently, but I think he's in denial. I'm not working right now, nor is there a schedule that I could work that would avoid having to have childcare of some sort in the afternoons, which again we can't afford. It's just a vicious cycle of me costing folks money that they willingly give even if they don't have it.

I feel the need to apologize to anyone who I've been in a relationship with and caused hardship. Whether it be financial or emotional. I'm not a bad person, but apparently my bad health and bad decisions affect people on a grander scale than I was realizing. I hate thinking about all the people I may have hurt over time. It's in the past now but in order to come to terms with it all I have to say I'm sorry.

So tomorrow is a new day and I'm hoping that things get better this week. My mental state is in the toilet right now and I feel like total crap. I didn't have any coffee this morning, maybe that's why my day went to hell. Maybe I've been wrong all along, maybe coffee can fix everything...(eyes her coffee pot suspiciously). Hmm.

Week of tune ups!

This week is what I am loving calling my week of "tune ups". Tomorrow me and the family have optometry appointments. Hubby may need new glasses, I need glasses and Dakota is getting checked again. My vision has been pretty blurry lately so I want to make sure that I get it corrected before it gets worse. Glasses aren't near as bad as they used to be, I've been told girl's who wear glasses are sexy. I think we'll see how that turns out for me.

Thursday is my colonoscopy. I have to make sure that I get my medications refilled this week and that I go get the prep package so I can have my fun prep day on Wednesday. I'm so curious as to if I will lose a few pounds from clearing out the pipes. I'm hoping I do, but it's not exactly the way I would want to go about it normally. Once I have results they will be discussed here.

So I have been given the ok to talk about something else that I have been so excited about lately. In respect for those involved I haven't said anything online, but now I have the green light and I've got to talk about it. So here goes.....

Years ago I became friends with the most amazing woman. Her and I clicked right off the bat and we were so similar yet so different that it was like we were family. I babysat her kids, we hung out together all the time. I was at her wedding, she was there for my multiple relationships. We have been through it all together. Last year when her and I started actively keeping in touch again, I found out that she had fallen upon some hard times. My heart broke. Her and her wife were homeless at one point and that's when I decided that I just HAD to do something. So I talked it over with my hubby and he agreed that he wanted to help them as much as I did. Working a little bit of financial magic we have been able to make some amazing things happen for them. They will be moving out to TN with hubby and I in March. They currently live in CA. Once they get here our family will expand from 3 to 6 people. It will be different for me to have to cook for a larger family, but I'm sure I'll have plenty of help with that. I am looking forward to helping her and her wife and daughter get on their feet. It's a huge responsibility I've taken on but that's what I do. They did it for me, because before I moved to TN I was living on their living room floor with my newborn. Paying it forward and keeping my promise to her is making my heart feel so good. I smile a lot more now, knowing that I am helping three people who are more deserving of the help than anyone can imagine. Finally I'll get to do something that will positively effect the lives of others and I'm totally ok with that.

I still have a bit of fatigue, not sure if it's the medications or something else. I'm hoping the colonoscopy will determine any issues and from there I can start changing small things to see what I need to do to have more energy. I think adding exercise to my routine will help tremendously. I am wanting to start with walking. I was thinking about going to the mall in the mornings and spending a couple of hours there just walking around. Not window shopping either, power walking. There are stairs there and the mall is laid out to make the walk simple and lengthy. When I worked there a few years back, lots of people would walk the mall in the mornings before the stores opened. It's quiet and there aren't crowds to worry about. So it sounds like a plan.

I also have my bike that I can ride on. If I incorporate that into my routine as well my lower body will be getting an extreme cardio workout. However that still leaves me to work on my abs and arms. I have plenty of magazines that have ab workouts in them that are low impact and can be done in my bedroom after everyone is off to school and work in the mornings. Same goes for arm workouts with bands. I just have to stick with it. It's going into Spring quickly here and while I am much happier with my thinner body, I still have lots to work on before I am completely comfortable with the total package.

The next month is going to fly by because of all the things that are coming up and that I have to do. I am looking forward to every bit of it and I'm excited to be having friends moving in with me. Plus, in a sense I'll get a daughter too, so my urge to have a little girl of my own may be satiated for a bit. I can't wait!!!

Moving onto the next step...

Had my first appointment with the specialist yesterday. I was so nervous prior to the appointment that my stomach was in knots and I sat in the waiting room with my leg bouncing uncontrollably. Once I got back into my examination room, the nursing staff was so pleasant and cracked jokes with me. They made me feel very comfortable. Then while waiting for the exam to start I got another bout of anxiety realizing I was in a small room with no windows. Claustrophobic much? I fought my way through that little bit of discomfort and finally my nurse came back in. She asked me the standard health questions about myself and my family history and said that we would need to schedule a colonoscopy. Once she explained how the procedure would unfold, it didn't sound too bad. I think I can handle this.

The day before the procedure I will have to be on a strictly clear liquid diet. No food at all. In the afternoon of prep day I will have to drink the concoction that will basically cleanse out the colon so the doctor can get a clear viewing once the colonoscopy is started. We don't want obstructions interrupting the procedure. The nurse joked and told me to grab a good book because I was going to be on the potty for awhile on prep day. That just sounds like a thrilling way to spend a day. After midnight that evening I am not allowed to have food or drinks until after the procedure. This is going to be hard for me considering I still have to feed the family here, so I'll have to cook just not eat. Worst of all, I can't have my coffee. I about cried. Even with non-dairy creamer, it can sometimes effect the colonoscopy, so they say drink it black or not at all. So I'll have to give up my addiction for one day, I'm sure I won't die, but I'll be grumpy nonetheless.

On procedure day they will give me general anesthesia. I will go to sleep and the procedure will begin. Once the doctor has completed his exam, they will wake me up and go over the findings. If there is anything to biopsy or cysts to be removed, it can take up to three weeks to get the results of those further tests. If the colonoscopy turns up fine and there are no abnormalities, then we get the joy of checking the small intestine and the stomach for issues. After that, then we should have it narrowed down as to what my symptoms could be related to.

I am nervous as to what they will find during the procedure. I'm hoping it's something mundane that can be taken care of with medicines or maybe even a change of diet. I've been drinking a lot more water lately and trying to be more active so I'm not just sitting all day. I'm hoping that may help in the long run. Someone having to examine my insides is very violating to me. I don't know why. I keep thinking if I had taken better care of myself all these years that maybe I wouldn't have the health issues I'm having. Or then again, maybe I would if it's something hereditary. Who knows.

I have to call later this morning to schedule the procedure. I'm not sure when it will be. I will keep this blog updated as I get further information. The one bit of humor I can have about all this, maybe I'll lose a few more pounds when I cleanse my system out? That would be super.....

Just not feeling like me these days

This weekend overall wasn't horrible, however it wasn't the best weekend ever either. Yesterday I hosted a table top Dresden Files game for my friends. We gamed until after 11pm and it was a great game. I played from the couch because I still was feeling horrible and suffering from fever most of the day yesterday. I kept myself under the blanket and played my character just fine. After our guests left, I made my way to bed and crashed hardcore.

I slept in this morning until about 10am. Got up, made some coffee, checked Facebook to make sure nothing important had happened while I slept and then got online to play some World of Warcraft. I played for a few hours but due to system issues and constant lag and getting disconnected from the server my frustration mounted and I quit playing in a huff. I was in a horrible mood by that point. I ate some soup, changed laundry over then laid on the couch and slept. I just woke up a little bit ago and made myself some quick dinner. I am still incredibly moody and feeling overall like crap. I guess I should elaborate on some stuff so this might all make sense.

For almost a year now I've had some major digestive issues. At first I thought that it was lactose intolerance. Then I thought that it might be irritable bowel syndrome. Then I thought it was because I was eating too much. Honestly I had no idea why I was having issues but I was making up excuses like there was an MD behind my name. My husband was getting more and more worried when the obvious symptoms kept getting worse and finally had to threaten me in order to get me to make a doctor appointment for this issue. Good thing about it when I called my doctor and told them that I was having issues with rectal bleeding and blood in my stool, they immediately got me in. (Sorry couldn't find a way to explain that without going into detail). My primary care doctor listened to me patiently and made descriptive notes on everything I told her. She has set me up with a specialist and I have my first appointment on Thursday of this coming week. I am terrified. I have no idea what to expect, I've never had to go to a doctor for something of this caliber and I fear that their diagnosis might have something in it that I really don't want to know. It could be a number of things, however I am trying to keep a clear head and not jump to the conclusion that it always has to be something bad. I will keep my blog updated with the information as it comes to me. Friday they took a blood panel also because this isnt' the only issue I've been having recently...

I know that sometimes depression can cause one to sleep a lot. However, what if it isn't depression? Since October, I have been sleeping more than I've been awake. Having to cram chores into a huge one day event because during the week I simply can't stay awake to do them. I've tried exercise hoping that would tell my body to wake up, it only makes me tired and I end up falling asleep. We thought it might be lack of food. I'm bad about not remembering to eat like I should despite prompting. When I eat I immediately feel like I've been drugged and lay down and go to sleep. If I don't eat I sleep. Basically here it is, I am friggin sick of sleeping all the damn time. I know it irritates my husband, because he thinks it's a conscious choice for me to decided to nap. However at this point I can't "not" sleep. I try to stay awake like normal people do and on the days I can manage that I'm in bed by 8-9pm so tired I feel like I'm going to die. I told my doctor if I'm deficient in something I need to know. If it's a medication issues, I need to know. Why am I suddenly unable to function without a nap (or two) a day?

That leads to the issues I have sleeping at night. Due to the sleeping during the day my sleep schedule at night is messed up all the way around. However, when I do try to legitimately lay down and go to sleep, I can't due to being in pain. My legs, mostly my knees, feel like someone is drilling into them with a bit and is trying to hollow them out. The doctor took x-rays and there is nothing wrong with my bones at all. They are healthy and solid like they should be. I have no idea where this pain is coming from. Last night it was my feet and thighs that were bothering me. It could be restless leg syndrome, however with the pain mostly being in my joints the doctor doesn't think that is the culprit. She will continue to monitor this and see what other symptoms develop over the next few weeks.

There seems to be quite a bit that is making me feel not myself these days. All these different health issues are cause for concern and I won't know whether or not they are serious until I go to the doctors and get some answers. I am moody and unable to focus on most things that I normally enjoy. I can feel the depression kicking around in my brain, however I am trying to keep it from surfacing because I simply do not need one more things causing me issues right now.

I'm worried and I'm sick of being unwell. Part of me just wants to blame this on my family because some of this may be hereditary. However that isn't fair because I have been in control of my own body for 16 years now and goodness knows I haven't always made the best decisions concerning my own health. I guess now is the time to reap what I've sewn. Let's just hope it's all small stuff.

It's too late at night for coffee, however I have some nice herbal tea that just might be calling my name here in a few moments. Keep your fingers crossed for me and I'll post updates when I get them.

Blowing off the Dust

It seems that when I started this blog I had good intentions. It was going to be used as a healing tool, a diary, a way to get my thoughts out so I could learn from them. However, like many projects that I start, it got pushed to the wayside and forgotten. 2010 was a whirlwind of good and bad things. I should have posted more about what was going on with me, however one cannot change the past, so going forward I will attempt to be more blog proactive.

2011 started off well. My husband and I decided to reconcile our relationship and work towards healing the damage that we both had caused to one another. When we made the decision to get back together, it all happened so fast. There was little time for readjustments. I moved back into his home and we began this new chapter. At first it was hard for me. There were mixed emotions from some of my friends but most of them were supportive of my decision to make the marriage that I had devoted almost 4 years of my life to work. Some friendships were lost and that made me very sad. However, for once I was being greedy and doing something that was good for me and good for my son and hoping that those who were my friends would stand behind me to support my decision. 2010 ended and I have to say that I was glad to finally be bidding that year goodbye.

With the loss of my job in the beginning of October 2010, the loss of my car at the end of October, increasing debt and more stress than I ever thought possible for one person to carry, I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of 2010 without a straight jacket and some really good drugs. Things weren't as dire as my mind made them out to be. Yes I had a tremendous amount of debt, that can't just be blinked away unfortunately. Those bills will have to be taken care of when I get the chance and are not to be worried over or stressed about because doing so will only set me up to become sick again. That is not going to happen.

2011 so far has been good to me. I am changing a little every day and trying to get a grasp on who I truly am. When I came back into my husband's life, he asked me what I wanted to do about a job? What would make me truly happy. I thought about it and made my decision. I wanted to do something that I had never done before. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and wife. I've been working since I was 17 years old. Being a working mom is one of the most difficult things you can do because you sacrifice time with your family and time in the home to be able to work in the outside world. I personally was tired of sacrificing my family so I could make money.

I thought I loved my job. I was damned good at what I did. However looking back at the almost 3 years I worked there, there was nothing happy about it. There was too much stress, too much self loathing, too much confusion for me to ever "love" my job. I did my job because it's what I was trained to do, not because I wanted to. When I lost that job in October I thought my world was over. What was I going to do without a job? Where would I find my self worth now? Well, the answer is simply. I find my self worth by looking in the mirror. I find my self worth by looking at the face of my son every day when I pick him up from school and he tells me all about what he did that day. I find my self worth when I tell my husband goodnight every night and see the love in his eyes. That's where I find my self worth. It's not in a paycheck, it's not in front of a monitor pounding out the data until my fingers are so sore I want to cry. It's in my family, the people I love, my friends. It's been here with me all this time yet I tried so desperately to find it in all the wrong places. No wonder I went through so much hell with myself, I simply wasn't being me.

What was my New Year's resolution this year. I didn't have one. I did however make goals for myself that I am giving myself one year to achieve. I am tired of setting myself up for failure from January first forward. I do it every year. Most people do. They set unreachable goals that in no way shape or form can ever be achieved so by the end of the year as they look back they are miserable of the outcome. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I want to lose weight this year. By December 31st if I've lost 1 pound, then you know what, I win! I wanted to get healthy this year. I am currently in the process of working with my primary care doctor to get the check ups I need and to pinpoint health concerns that I've had for quite some time now. Let's face it diseases and bad things run hard in my family. I can't simply ignore warning signs and have them go away. Especially now that despite my very best efforts I am getting older. I need to start being more proactive about my health and quit denying that there is a history of some pretty bad things in my family's DNA.

There are still times when I wake up in the morning and just know that it's going to be a down day. Those down days are few and far between but they do still happen, I'd be lying if I said they didn't. There are days when I'm like "seriously laundry again?" I roll my eyes at the few chores that I have to do to maintain this household. I always put them off until the last minute because honestly I hate housework. I'm not sure if I know any woman (or man) in their right mind that "loves" to clean house. When I was in elementary school and the teachers asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, scrubbing toilets and cleaning up dog poop from the carpet somehow didn't make the top of my list. Go figure! However this is my job now. A clean home, a happy child a satisfied husband and the satisfaction of being able to have friends come into my home and have a good time. These are the things I work towards now. Do I love cleaning, hell no. Do I love the satisfaction of what comes when chores are done, yeah I really do. Motivation is hard some days, really really hard. It's easy to just sleep, or watch TV, or get sucked into Facebook and never once touch a dish or pull out anything for dinner. I have to overcome the distractions that lead me astray from my "job". It's the toughest thing I've ever done being a homemaker. I'm not sure how my mother did it all those years. She did it and so can I.

I'm discovering more of myself every day. It's a long road and I'm sure there are going to be many obstacles along the way. However I can choose to be weak and never take the adventure, or I can choose to be strong and face life head on with my head held high. You know what I do on the days that I just wake up and think "this sucks"? I have a cup of coffee and I smile because coffee may not be able to fix what's wrong with my life but dammit it sure does taste good!