Friday, February 11, 2011

Blowing off the Dust

It seems that when I started this blog I had good intentions. It was going to be used as a healing tool, a diary, a way to get my thoughts out so I could learn from them. However, like many projects that I start, it got pushed to the wayside and forgotten. 2010 was a whirlwind of good and bad things. I should have posted more about what was going on with me, however one cannot change the past, so going forward I will attempt to be more blog proactive.

2011 started off well. My husband and I decided to reconcile our relationship and work towards healing the damage that we both had caused to one another. When we made the decision to get back together, it all happened so fast. There was little time for readjustments. I moved back into his home and we began this new chapter. At first it was hard for me. There were mixed emotions from some of my friends but most of them were supportive of my decision to make the marriage that I had devoted almost 4 years of my life to work. Some friendships were lost and that made me very sad. However, for once I was being greedy and doing something that was good for me and good for my son and hoping that those who were my friends would stand behind me to support my decision. 2010 ended and I have to say that I was glad to finally be bidding that year goodbye.

With the loss of my job in the beginning of October 2010, the loss of my car at the end of October, increasing debt and more stress than I ever thought possible for one person to carry, I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of 2010 without a straight jacket and some really good drugs. Things weren't as dire as my mind made them out to be. Yes I had a tremendous amount of debt, that can't just be blinked away unfortunately. Those bills will have to be taken care of when I get the chance and are not to be worried over or stressed about because doing so will only set me up to become sick again. That is not going to happen.

2011 so far has been good to me. I am changing a little every day and trying to get a grasp on who I truly am. When I came back into my husband's life, he asked me what I wanted to do about a job? What would make me truly happy. I thought about it and made my decision. I wanted to do something that I had never done before. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and wife. I've been working since I was 17 years old. Being a working mom is one of the most difficult things you can do because you sacrifice time with your family and time in the home to be able to work in the outside world. I personally was tired of sacrificing my family so I could make money.

I thought I loved my job. I was damned good at what I did. However looking back at the almost 3 years I worked there, there was nothing happy about it. There was too much stress, too much self loathing, too much confusion for me to ever "love" my job. I did my job because it's what I was trained to do, not because I wanted to. When I lost that job in October I thought my world was over. What was I going to do without a job? Where would I find my self worth now? Well, the answer is simply. I find my self worth by looking in the mirror. I find my self worth by looking at the face of my son every day when I pick him up from school and he tells me all about what he did that day. I find my self worth when I tell my husband goodnight every night and see the love in his eyes. That's where I find my self worth. It's not in a paycheck, it's not in front of a monitor pounding out the data until my fingers are so sore I want to cry. It's in my family, the people I love, my friends. It's been here with me all this time yet I tried so desperately to find it in all the wrong places. No wonder I went through so much hell with myself, I simply wasn't being me.

What was my New Year's resolution this year. I didn't have one. I did however make goals for myself that I am giving myself one year to achieve. I am tired of setting myself up for failure from January first forward. I do it every year. Most people do. They set unreachable goals that in no way shape or form can ever be achieved so by the end of the year as they look back they are miserable of the outcome. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I want to lose weight this year. By December 31st if I've lost 1 pound, then you know what, I win! I wanted to get healthy this year. I am currently in the process of working with my primary care doctor to get the check ups I need and to pinpoint health concerns that I've had for quite some time now. Let's face it diseases and bad things run hard in my family. I can't simply ignore warning signs and have them go away. Especially now that despite my very best efforts I am getting older. I need to start being more proactive about my health and quit denying that there is a history of some pretty bad things in my family's DNA.

There are still times when I wake up in the morning and just know that it's going to be a down day. Those down days are few and far between but they do still happen, I'd be lying if I said they didn't. There are days when I'm like "seriously laundry again?" I roll my eyes at the few chores that I have to do to maintain this household. I always put them off until the last minute because honestly I hate housework. I'm not sure if I know any woman (or man) in their right mind that "loves" to clean house. When I was in elementary school and the teachers asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, scrubbing toilets and cleaning up dog poop from the carpet somehow didn't make the top of my list. Go figure! However this is my job now. A clean home, a happy child a satisfied husband and the satisfaction of being able to have friends come into my home and have a good time. These are the things I work towards now. Do I love cleaning, hell no. Do I love the satisfaction of what comes when chores are done, yeah I really do. Motivation is hard some days, really really hard. It's easy to just sleep, or watch TV, or get sucked into Facebook and never once touch a dish or pull out anything for dinner. I have to overcome the distractions that lead me astray from my "job". It's the toughest thing I've ever done being a homemaker. I'm not sure how my mother did it all those years. She did it and so can I.

I'm discovering more of myself every day. It's a long road and I'm sure there are going to be many obstacles along the way. However I can choose to be weak and never take the adventure, or I can choose to be strong and face life head on with my head held high. You know what I do on the days that I just wake up and think "this sucks"? I have a cup of coffee and I smile because coffee may not be able to fix what's wrong with my life but dammit it sure does taste good!

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