Monday, July 26, 2010

Catch up Post!

So it was brought to my attention that I haven't posted anything here in quite awhile. There is very good reason for that and it's time to start journaling again.

A few weeks ago I was pretty stressed out. Finances sucked, work was hectic and nothing seemed to be going my way at all. I was on a low and couldn't figure out just how I was going to turn it all into a positive situation. It was a Friday morning and I was at work just trying to make it through the day. I clocked out for lunch and realized there was a missed call from Dakota's daycare on my phone. I called them back to be told that Dakota had been suspended for a week and was to come get him immediately. That coupled with all the other stress in my life sent me over my limit. I went into my bosses office and told him what had happened. I had a major anxiety attack and ended up sitting on his floor not knowing what to do. He told me to go home and take care of things. I packed up and left the office. I drove to the campsite and got Dakota and headed home. I don't remember doing any of this. I texted Melissa and said some pretty bad things about myself. She immediately left work and her and Justin drove down to Chattanooga to take care of me.

I ended up in Valley Behavioral health hospital for a week. Melissa took Dakota for me so I didn't have to worry about his well being or care. All I had to worry about was myself. At first I hated being in the hospital, being told what to do and woken all hours of the night for room checks. It was awful. I started to warm up to people there and made a few close friends. We all agreed to be each other's support system once we were back home in the real world. I am currently on medication to manage my depression, my anxiety and my mood disorder. I am on a medicine to help me sleep as well. I hate taking pills, I am very anti-medication. Since my stay in the hospital, I have decided that sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to be well and I have just started on my road to recovery.

Since I left the hospital I have been on the outpatient therapy program which is a class and therapy session there at the hospital for 3 hours each day for 2 solid weeks. I am learning quite a bit about how to cope with stress and how not to let my anxiety get the best of me. The road to recovery is hard but at least I know that I am not travelling this road alone.

I return back to work on August 9th. Motions are still in place for me to telecommute and work from home. Hopefully everything there will go ok and I can eliminate a lot of the stress by being in a safe and comfortable environment. I am looking forward to that change and I start the training for telecommuting on August 11th. I'm hoping that I can get my productivity back up in the acceptable range and that my absence from work will not negatively affect my overall performance. I don't want to end up losing my job after everything else I have been through lately, that would just suck.

So I am recovering from multiple disorders. I have chronic depression, an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder and OCD. I never realized just how messed up I truly was. It takes a professional to make you see sometimes that it's not all in your head, you really do have an illness. It was hard for me to handle at first. I hate not being perfect. I hate thinking that I cannot be in control of my life without medication. However this is reality and I have to face it dead on and not let worry get in my way of recovery. My support system is phenomenal and I love everyone who has been there for me and given me support over these last few weeks. I hope to continue going forward and that from here on out my life will balance out and I can be the parent and person that I need to be for myself, my son and my loved ones.

I am not allowed to have caffeine anymore because it will counteract my medication. I had to give up coffee. Well I guess there are worse things in life. So I will dream about coffee and drink some tasty water instead it's better for me anyways. Lord I miss Starbucks! However, like I said before, coffee can't fix everything. =D

1 comment:

Steph said...

One day at a time and you are not alone at all. I'm so glad you got the help you needed. And so what if you're no meds. Would you rather it be the way it was? I know all of us who are here for you are happier that you are finding the peace of mind you have needed for a long time. Take it easy, work the program, and be the best mom/friend/woman you can be. You can do it! *hugs*