So it was brought to my attention that I haven't posted anything here in quite awhile. There is very good reason for that and it's time to start journaling again.
A few weeks ago I was pretty stressed out. Finances sucked, work was hectic and nothing seemed to be going my way at all. I was on a low and couldn't figure out just how I was going to turn it all into a positive situation. It was a Friday morning and I was at work just trying to make it through the day. I clocked out for lunch and realized there was a missed call from Dakota's daycare on my phone. I called them back to be told that Dakota had been suspended for a week and was to come get him immediately. That coupled with all the other stress in my life sent me over my limit. I went into my bosses office and told him what had happened. I had a major anxiety attack and ended up sitting on his floor not knowing what to do. He told me to go home and take care of things. I packed up and left the office. I drove to the campsite and got Dakota and headed home. I don't remember doing any of this. I texted Melissa and said some pretty bad things about myself. She immediately left work and her and Justin drove down to Chattanooga to take care of me.
I ended up in Valley Behavioral health hospital for a week. Melissa took Dakota for me so I didn't have to worry about his well being or care. All I had to worry about was myself. At first I hated being in the hospital, being told what to do and woken all hours of the night for room checks. It was awful. I started to warm up to people there and made a few close friends. We all agreed to be each other's support system once we were back home in the real world. I am currently on medication to manage my depression, my anxiety and my mood disorder. I am on a medicine to help me sleep as well. I hate taking pills, I am very anti-medication. Since my stay in the hospital, I have decided that sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to be well and I have just started on my road to recovery.
Since I left the hospital I have been on the outpatient therapy program which is a class and therapy session there at the hospital for 3 hours each day for 2 solid weeks. I am learning quite a bit about how to cope with stress and how not to let my anxiety get the best of me. The road to recovery is hard but at least I know that I am not travelling this road alone.
I return back to work on August 9th. Motions are still in place for me to telecommute and work from home. Hopefully everything there will go ok and I can eliminate a lot of the stress by being in a safe and comfortable environment. I am looking forward to that change and I start the training for telecommuting on August 11th. I'm hoping that I can get my productivity back up in the acceptable range and that my absence from work will not negatively affect my overall performance. I don't want to end up losing my job after everything else I have been through lately, that would just suck.
So I am recovering from multiple disorders. I have chronic depression, an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder and OCD. I never realized just how messed up I truly was. It takes a professional to make you see sometimes that it's not all in your head, you really do have an illness. It was hard for me to handle at first. I hate not being perfect. I hate thinking that I cannot be in control of my life without medication. However this is reality and I have to face it dead on and not let worry get in my way of recovery. My support system is phenomenal and I love everyone who has been there for me and given me support over these last few weeks. I hope to continue going forward and that from here on out my life will balance out and I can be the parent and person that I need to be for myself, my son and my loved ones.
I am not allowed to have caffeine anymore because it will counteract my medication. I had to give up coffee. Well I guess there are worse things in life. So I will dream about coffee and drink some tasty water instead it's better for me anyways. Lord I miss Starbucks! However, like I said before, coffee can't fix everything. =D