Sunday, August 14, 2011

Stress is not my friend

I have reached a point in my life where I am completely overwhelmed and I have no idea what to do about the stress I have at home. It's frustrating me and it's getting to where I'd rather be at work all the time than be home dealing with the chaos that has become my household. At least at work people appreciate my efforts and I am organized and on top of things. At home there is no organization, no being a step ahead of the game and obviously no control over the behaviors of the kids. (shaking my head) How in the hell did I get here?

I know the saying "kids will be kids", I know it well. I understand that kids are going to do things that get them in trouble because it's how they test boundries, it's how they see what they can and can't get away with. However, the kids in this household (my son and my niece) have gone so far beyond "normal" being a kid that it's almost criminal. There are only so many spankings, or time out, or groundings or removal or privileges that can be done before you are out of options. I've reached that breaking point. What else is there to do?

We are now contemplating locking our pantry and chaining up the refridgerator at night so they kids will stop sneaking food out of it at the crack of dawn in the morning when they sneak out of their room. They get into the sugar, mixing it in water and drink it, they eat the coffee creamer. They eat everything they can get their hands on so the adults won't have it. They have even gone so far as eating what was set out for me for dinner one evening because they were still "hungry". Now let me clarify, these kids are not hungry. They always get the largest portions when meals are served. They eat well, they eat at school too. They are not starving to death by any means. Yet they consistently sneak food and beverages thinking they won't get found out.

They both lie and fabricate stories so much that we can never believe anything either of them says. I know that kids will lie thinking that they will get in less trouble, however these kids have taken it to the extreme. Almost every word out of their mouths is a fabrication concocted in order to get the other one in the most trouble possible. It's just ridiculous. As I'm typing this they are both in corners down here on a time out for fighting. Now I know kids fight, but when it comes to objects being used to hit or slap each other with, things being thrown, or fists being used to punch each other in the face, I'm over it! I don't expect them to get along all the time, they will have their differences, however they can't get along for more than about 3 minutes a day.

We only have a three bedroom house, so separating the kids is impossible. My sister had them separated at one point and my niece was in the room with my sister. In my opinion that worked out well, the kids weren't fighting all the time and my son had even stopped wetting the bed. Then school started. My sister put the kids back in the same room because she wanted her privacy and space and there is no reason for the kids to be separated. So all the drama started again. This is getting ridiculous and I'm running out of options to make our living situation even somewhat comfortable anymore.

I originally went back to work so I could have money to pay off some debts I've accrued and to have money to spend on things that I want or need, so it wasn't coming out of household funds. However, that is not the case now. I'm struggling trying to figure out where all the money we need for everything is going to come from. I've thought about getting a second job, but that is completely unrealistic time wise. I have always stressed about money, maybe it's because I know what it's like to be poor and I don't want my child to live that way too. It's just all these demands on me are building up and I'm trying to handle things as they come, trying not to fall apart and let my depression and anxiety get the best of me, but it's hard when I'm outnumbered and I have no options to offer to make things better.

I worry about my sister, her health is not the best. She has to completely alter her lifestyle if she even wants to think about being healthy down the road. I've been trying to keep the stress level down here at home, however it bleeds over to her because I work and I'm not here during the day. Now that the kids are in school it's not so bad, she at least gets a break from them for a few uninterrupted hours during the day. Which I'm sure she appreciates.

I've started having nightmares again. I dream about my mom a lot. Dream that I'm running away from here but no matter where I run I always end up back at home with her. She tells me how disappointed she is in me, how she knew I would never amount to anything, how she should never have allowed me to be born. I dream of war and terrorist attacks on our country. I have to save our kids from the people who are trying to capture them. Most of the time I successfully hide the kids but then get captured myself, but sometimes I fail and the kids get drug away by the "bad people". I have dreamed of being in a hospital where I have no idea what is going on. The doctor comes in to talk to me and explains that I killed my entire family and that's why I'm there. I've even dreamed where I take my own life and I watch people's reactions at my funeral. It's not a pleasant experience to have your mind so full of negativity and fear. I dread going to sleep at night because I know something F'd up is going to happen in my dream and I'm going to wake up all sorts of upset about it. (Gee I sound like I need therapy huh?) I totally can't afford therapy right now or I'd be there.

I guess this blog has been a vent session for me. Too bad I don't really feel any better now that I've gotten it down and out. I guess I'll just have to see where things go from here and hope that something changes soon in a positive direction. I'm not sure how much more of the chaos I can handle.

~Shut up and go drink your coffee Pandora, me thinks you doth complain too much ~