This Blog She Is A Moving!

For those of you who haven't hear yet, I have a new webpage! All future blog entries will be posted on my new site and no longer posted here on blogger. Please feel free to follow me in my new blog home, I would love to have you and please bring friends, the more the merrier!

The new webpage is located at http://pandamomma.com/

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Love,

Erin

Winter is here

I realized the other morning that I was a few days over due on getting my new month new goals post put up. Trying to find the right balance between work and relaxation and spending time with my family, it's been hectic to remember to write. However this morning I was motivated and I took my measurements, so here's a recap of my goals for November:

November Goals:

• Learn more at work so I can become a better employee. I have definitely done that, I usually work the closing shift and people like working with me because of how clean I keep the place. Guess being a clean freak pays off at work!
• Lose that stubborn inch off my waist so I can fit into the size 12 pants I've had my eye on. Well I've definitely lost the inches, but I have not purchased a size 12 just yet. The work pants that I bought recently are still a size 14 and I noticed last night that the waist is gapping open when I wear them. 
• Lose weight, yes I finally did that too!
• I have not yet invested the money to get my hair colored. Not sure I'm going to do this at this point because everyone at work keeps telling me how pretty my hair is. I think I might just leave it alone for now.
• I have not bought a pair of cute boots for winter yet. Hopefully I will do so soon, if not then I guess it's not the end of the world. 

December Stats:

Waist: 34.5 inches (loss of 2 1/2 inches)

Hips: 42 inches (loss of 2 inches)

Bust: 37 inches (loss of 1 inch)

Arms: Left bicep 13.5 inches (gain of 1/2 inch) Right bicep 13.5 inches (loss of 1/2 inch) *Both arms are the same size finally!*

Weight: 176 (loss of 6 1/2 pounds)

December Goals:

BE HAPPY! 

I have to say that I am so much happier with my results this time around. I have a total loss of 6 1/2 inches off my body and 6 1/2 pounds of fat gone. What did I do different you might be asking yourself. Well I work at Starbucks, so I'm always moving, cleaning, lifting gallons of milk to make drinks basically getting little mini workouts every time I work. I also stopped counting my calories and stopped tracking my food intake. I had done that for over 2 years religiously and I was sick and tired of my app telling me that if I continued on that healthy pattern I would weigh in the 160's in a few weeks. Well those weeks came and went and that scale never budged. I felt restricted, I felt judged every time I had to add food to my journal, I was no longer happy with being so organized and not seeing the results I felt I deserved. 

So now if I'm hungry I eat, I don't write it down. If I'm not hungry I don't force myself to eat just to meet my daily calorie goal. Some days I have a decent appetite some days I don't. I did start drinking more caffeine than I was, I drink chai tea lattes at work. They don't contain coffee at all but chai tea naturally has caffeine in it. I have it made with soy milk so the dairy doesn't kill my stomach. I have made time to destress and relax on my days off or after work. Whether it be playing on the computer, watching tv or reading a book, I do a little something for my mind to allow some calm into my life. 

I cannot allow myself to have my weight be my sole focus in life anymore. It was causing more problems than it was solving. Now that I have taken a much more relaxed approach to my health, look at my results! I am not doing additional workouts on my days off right now due to weather not being warm enough to go outside and work out. However, our spiffy new smart TV in our family room has a huge selection of fitness stuff on it and I may give some of it a go. Right now I'm enjoying leisure time and not having to constantly be focused on numbers and calories. I will admit I've eaten meat (other than seafood) in the past few weeks. I had turkey at Thanksgiving, I've eaten baked chicken at work during lunch, I've had orange chicken from my favorite Chinese food place. I don't eat it every day and when I do eat meat I realize how heavy it makes my stomach feel. I let myself go on a meat eating binge for awhile and last week I felt pretty horrible about it. I decided that I wasn't going to allow my extremist mentality win. I was going to tighten the reigns and reel myself back into a healthy reality that didn't include such regret. I took responsibility, I knew I ate bad, I knew I went overboard, so I acknowledged it and now I'm moving on. However, even with all that meat, I still managed to lose weight, which is always a plus in my book. 

Focusing on feeling healthy inside is making me much happier than focusing on my weight. When I start feeling down I go over my checklist in my mind, asking myself questions to figure out why I'm feeling that way. Most of the time it boils down to a hormonal imbalance, which in time will correct itself. If there are times when it's something I can control then I fix the issue at hand and move on. If it's something that I cannot control, then I let myself be sad about it briefly then move on. I can't dwell on my emotions anymore it makes me sick to be unhappy. Acknowledge the feelings then move forward. That seems to be working for me so far this past few weeks so I'm going to keep going with that and see where it takes me. Eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, get out of bed if I can't sleep and find a way to engage my mind, keep drinking my fluids and smile more. 

What are your plans for December and are you looking forward to 2014?

New Month New Goals

November is a month when people give thanks for the things in their lives that make them happy. Well let me tell you that when I did my measurements on November first I was definitely not happy with my results. I set goals around the first of October and I was thinking that with starting the C25K program my goals would be easier to reach. Most of the goals were, but some were not. My word of the moment seems to be frustration but I'm not going to let this ruin my month. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because I know that my lifestyle is healthy and I can see that my body is changing even if the numbers don't reflect the change that I thought they would. 

Recap of October Goals:

• Lose 5 lbs
• Manage my eating so I'm eating clean and healthy
• Drink more fluids (water and tea are my choices)
• Get a job
• Buy some new clothes that actually fit me and figure out what size pants I really wear
• Update my blog at least once a week (unless I have more to say of course)

Well I have managed my eating and have been pretty spot on with my food choices so that one is definitely checked off. I have been drinking much more fluids lately, the colder weather means it's tea season and I'm loving it. I got a job at Kroger in their Starbucks kiosk. I love coffee even if I can't drink it and serving people makes me happy. (Plus the paychecks aren't bad either). I did buy a new pair of pants and I can almost fit into a size 12, I need to lose about another inch off my waist for them to close comfortably. So technically I'm a size 13, but since they don't make those in most brands, I'm wearing a size 14 currently. I have not been blogging at least once a week, shame on me. I have been playing The Sims 3 way too much recently and it is a time suck that I have to admit is like an addiction. It's creative and fun and those Sims have way better lives than I do, lol! I did not lose 5 pounds in the month of October, not even close.

November Stats:

Waist: 37 inches (no change)

Hips: 44 inches (3 inch gain)

Bust: 38 inches (2 inch gain)

Biceps: 13 inches left (1 inch loss) 14 inches right (1 inch gain)

Weight: 182.5 lbs (4 1/2 pound gain)

I was told by numerous people that my gains have been because of muscle growth. I seem to be putting on quite a bit of muscle in my legs from running and all the extra activity that I do now that I have a job. I'm hoping that at some point I will see all this additional muscle start to burn the little bit of fat that I have left so I can be lean and no longer lumpy. I know that this process takes time and I've only been actively working out for a month since my surgery so I'm trying really hard not to throw my hands in the air and give up. However when I see that much gain in a month it's a hard pill to swallow. I can't stop now though. I have to see this through for myself and my health. I've lost too many loved ones over the years and I don't want to put my family through that because I wasn't willing to take care of myself when I had the chance. 

November Goals:

• Learn more at work so I can become a better barista and get more work hours.
• I would like to lose that inch off my waist so I can fit into the size 12 pants that I've got my eye on
• I would like to lose some weight, but I'm afraid to attach a number to it at this point. 
• I would like to get my hair colored again for the upcoming holiday seasons
• I want to buy a cute pair of boots for winter so I'm not stuck wearing athletic shoes all the time

I'm looking forward to seeing where this month takes me. I'm still progressing through my C25K program and I'm currently working on week 3. Due to my work schedule I have to skip some days during the weeks so I pick it up on my days off so I'm not overworking my legs. Pain in my body telling me I've done too much. I'm hoping that I will continue to thin down even if it means more gains this month. I can definitely tell what parts of my body are gaining muscle because I can feel it when I work out. Muscle weighs more than fat, it's true but yet it's one of those concepts that as a woman is just really hard to wrap my head around. Always number obsessed and never happy with the results I get. That's just who I am and how my mind works, so don't give me the lecture about changing my way of thinking. I've been there tried that and while I'm a lot more positive now, I still have my hangups. 

C25K

I decided that I wanted to incorporate jogging back into my exercise routine, so yesterday I tried jogging while I was out doing my walk and I wasn't very successful. I made it 1/2 mile before I got too tired to keep going, so I walked the rest of my workout. My best friend suggested that I download a C25K app and follow the program. I figured it couldn't hurt but I was scared that I may not be in shape enough to follow the program for it. I downloaded the app last night and took a peek at what the program would entail and I was really surprised. It starts off gentle, easing you into running and builds up your stamina every week. It's a 9 week routine and at the end I should be able to run for 30 minutes straight with no walk breaks. At this point that is hard to imagine, but if I stick with this then it will happen.

Here is what the breakdown of the routine consists of:

Week 1:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Alternate 60 seconds of jogging then 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Week 2:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Alternate 90 seconds of jogging then 2 minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Week 3:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Do two repetitions each of 90 seconds jogging, 90 seconds walking then jog 3 minutes and walk 3 minutes.

Week 4:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, jog 5 minutes, walk 2 1/2 minutes, jog 3 minutes walk 90 seconds jog 5 minutes

Week 5:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 5 minutes.

Week 6:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 5 minutes.

Week 7:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog for 25 minutes.

Week 8:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog for 28 minutes

Week 9:
Brisk 5 minute warm up walk. Jog for 30 minutes.

Each of these routines is done 3 days a week only. So I have chosen to do them on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Since I didn't do this yesterday I went ahead and started my week 1 day 1 today so I could get on track to do the other two days this week on Wednesday and Friday.

The intensity of this routine picks up quickly. I'm hoping that my stamina keeps up and that I can complete this because the idea of being able to jog for 30 minutes without stopping sounds amazing to me. Right now when I jog I feel very bottom heavy. I feel like my legs have a lot of weight in them and that's why I am moving so slowly. I'm sure that's not the case and it's more likely the fact that I haven't jogged since July I think. I have to build slowly and I'm hoping this app allows me to do that and maybe I might even lose a pound or two.

So this is what my exercise regiment is going to consist of for my outdoor portion. I'm also hoping to add in my workout DVD soon so I can get in some alternate cardio for my upper body. I'm not going to look very good if my lower body is tone and nice and my upper body looks like jello. I want the total package!

**the app I am using for my android phone is called Simple C25K, it was a free app that will take me through the entire 9 week course with no ads and no purchase necessary**

One Month Post Op

When I woke up this morning I realized that today marks one month since my surgery. I have to say that I have healed fairly quickly. I'm back to all my normal activities and I should start my new job next week, well at least the training for it. I don't feel like I'm still recovering from surgery anymore and my pain is very minimal. There are still some internal things like hormone imbalances that I'm dealing with but that's to be expected.

It's very strange that my body can be put through so many changes and it's trying very hard to adapt. I had my ovary and fallopian tube completely removed but I also have an IUD for birth control. With an IUD you are not supposed to have monthly cycles but because my roommate is female, my body decides that it's a competition and that it needs to keep up. Yet being minus one ovary and having and IUD, it's at a disadvantage. Hence where the hormone imbalance is coming from. I don't ovulate anymore but yet I have all the symptoms of a monthly cycle. Food cravings, fatigue, mood swings and even cramps. It's definitely not something that I look forward to every month by far, but I guess it could be worse. Eventually my hormone levels will right themselves and my symptoms should go back to being very low or non existent as they were the previous time I had the IUD birth control. This is the only way that I can see that I am still "healing".

My weight is still a bone of contention with me. When I use My Fitness Pal to track my food intake at the end of the day I always get the "In 5 weeks you should weight this much" prompt and I hate it. If that app was anywhere near right I would already be in the 160's weight wise. I'm simply not getting enough of the right kind of exercise to burn the existing fat I have and I must be building muscle still because I'm not losing a darn thing. Despite walking 3 miles every day this week and eating on my schedule and not overdoing it (except for yesterday at the sushi buffet). I think it's time to increase the type of cardio I do in order to see the slimming results I want to see. Time to bust out my Pink Method workout videos again.

The first time that I did the Pink Method program I was still eating gluten, I was still consuming dairy and I was over 200lbs. The workouts were killer and I couldn't even keep up with the video. It was making my feet and back hurt like hell and eventually after about a month of doing it I stopped all together. I had seen results and was losing inches and a few pounds. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do it before. I made excuses and I hated working out back then. I would "try" but give up easily. I set myself up to fail that time.

Now I am 179 pounds, I don't eat gluten, I don't consume dairy and I can walk 3 miles daily with ease. I think I could definitely keep up with those videos now and probably get quite a good workout from them. I know that in order to achieve my results there has to be exercise in my life at least 5 days a week structured and some light stuff on the weekends. It has become a way of life for me and it's no longer something that I'm "trying" to do, it's something that I do, daily. My mind wants to be healthy and strong. I want to slim down more and not have this excess skin around. I need to firm up those areas that are problem areas to see if this is truly excess skin or just me having fatty tissue left in those areas. So it's time to put a plan of action into place and stick to it.

Going back to work might pose some interesting kinks in my plans. I love to work out first thing in the morning before I start my day. However with having to get my son off to school and potentially having to go to work in the AM, I might have to get up earlier to get in my workout video and go walking in the evenings possibly if I have time after dinner. With the seasons changing and it getting into the colder times, it's getting dark sooner. I don't want to be out at a park walking through the woods in the dark, I've seen that horror movie and I'm not sure I could out run a killer chasing me with a chainsaw right now, ha ha! I may have to face the fact that my workouts will need to be indoors and I'll just have to accept that. As long as I continue to make an effort to go in the right direction then all should continue to go well for me. I'm looking forward to seeing the number on that scale move soon because it hasn't moved in months at this point. Thankful that I'm not gaining weight, but irritated that I'm not losing either.

All in all, it's time to get real. It's time to step it up. I'm healed, I'm not having any issues post op and I need to get on track. I refuse to let seasonal depression win this year because I'm going into the cold season with a positive attitude, a new job, clean eating and a plan. I know what I am capable of physically and I know what I can accomplish if I actually put a little effort into it. Why wait for New Year's to make changes in my life? I think I'll get a jump start on the new year and start early so while everyone else is fretting over eating too many Christmas cookies, I'll be sporting my cute little slimming outfits and my chocolate flavored chai tea (non dairy of course)!

The Number Haunts Me

As I begin my second week of October I made a mistake first thing this morning. I decided to step onto the scale to see if I'd lost any weight. I look so much smaller and I feel like I could have dropped at least a pound since surgery, so I stepped up with a positive attitude. I walked 5 days last week and by the end of the week was up to walking 3 miles. I knew that something good would come of that, right?

Well, once again the scale has disappointed me. I have gained a pound! I'm now back up to 179. Seriously? So exercise and eating right makes me gain weight? Don't feed me that "muscle weighs more than fat" line either because I'm sick of hearing it. That's what you tell fat people when they don't see results and need a positive affirmation so they won't give up. So from now on I'm only going to weigh in at the beginning of each month when I do my measurements so I can track my progress that way. Stupid scale!

I know that it's the inches that matter, I know that my overall health is excellent. When I went in for surgery and they were taking my vitals prior to anesthesia, the nurse was shocked that my vitals were so good. She said I had the vital readings of an athlete. Perfect blood pressure, perfect oxygen saturation etc etc. She said I should be proud of how healthy I was. I certainly didn't feel healthy being there to have a tumor removed. Now that I think back on it, maybe she has a point. My body is healthy even if I have some flabby parts and I'm not the weight or size I would like to be. I will continue to work on it and hope that my results will reflect all the hard work that I intend on putting into my health. However it's still just really frustrating that I'm doing everything right and I still don't see that number on the scale move.

There was a meme going around on facebook recently that said "I wish I was as fat now as I was the first time I thought I was fat." If that were the case I would be 120 pounds. Not that I ever want to be that thin again because I was a recovering anorexic at that point (I'd gained weight from 99lbs), but to be under 150lbs would be super. I think I will always have that anorexic mindset of "you should be thinner, you can be thinner." I'm coming to realize that in my 20's, sure I could get thin at the drop of a hat. However in my late 30's it's going to take more than just walking around and eating right to achieve this goal. I'm going to have to work harder than I thought I would because my body isn't a high school girl's body anymore that can just become whatever I want it to be that week. I have a woman's body now. The body of a wife and a mother. The body of 37 years of life with all it's struggles, mistakes, heartaches, accomplishments and successes. I should love my body for what it has accomplished, for the health it has bestowed upon me and for the beauty that others find in it. I'm my harshest critic and I know that I am capable of something more. I was thinking that a 5 pound weight loss goal for this month might be reasonable but I'm thinking now that it might be a little too lofty. Maybe I should have set a 2 pound goal instead. All I can do is my best at this point and see what my results will be at the end of the month!

October Goals

I have decided that today will mark day 1 of my healthy lifestyle changes. I have made a few goals and I took my starting measurements that will let me see at the end of the month if I am making progress or if there are things I will need to change.

I am currently using Endomondo for my fitness tracker, I have found that out of all the fitness tracking apps, I like it the best. I am also tracking my food daily with My Fitness Pal. Please feel free to add me as a friend if you use either of these apps because making this journey with support is by far easier than trying to go it solo.

October 1st Numbers:

Weight: 178lbs

Waist: 37 inches

Hips: 41 inches

Bust: 36 inches

Biceps: 14 inches (L) 13 inches (R)


Goals:

• Lose 5 lbs
• Manage my eating so I'm eating clean and healthy
• Drink more fluids (water and tea are my choices)
• Get a job
• Buy some new clothes that actually fit me and figure out what size pants I really wear
• Update my blog at least once a week (unless I have more to say of course)

I think that these goals are reasonable and that I should be able to achieve most of these quite easily. So tune in for updates and celebrate with me when I make my goals! 

Dusting off the workout gear

Yesterday was my 2 week post op appointment with my doctor. She gave me a clean bill of health and two thumbs up to go ahead with my normal activities. I am completely healed and my stitches will finish dissolving over the course of six weeks. Of course now that I have the green light from my doctor, that means that I can get back on the healthy bandwagon and that starts with exercise.

This morning I had to dust off my workout clothes and shoes and find my headphones for my phone so I could head to the park to walk. I was so excited! After a couple of months of being sidelined I was eager to get back into my fitness routine. I got to the park with no expectations on myself, I was going to take it as slow or steady as I needed to in order for it to be a workout but not over taxing for me. Well my legs sure knew what to do and before I knew it my arms were at their 90 degree angle and I was striding right along with my music. Before the illness caught up to me I was striding at between 15 min 30 seconds and 16 min 20 seconds for a mile. Well my miles today were at 17 min 20 seconds. Not too bad, being out of the fitness loop for a couple of months only added about a minute to my time. I was going 5 miles a day before I got sick, today I happily did 2.5 miles before my body told me it was done. So half of what I was accustomed to before I got sick. I don't think that's too bad at all. I will slowly build back up to where I was and hopefully be able to eventually add jogging back into the picture as well. 

In order to also mix things up and not just depend on walking to help me firm up those not so firm areas, I have some workout dvd's that I want to get back into the routine of using. I'm hoping that by walking and incorporating some cardio and light weight work, I may be able to blast through this plateau and lose the pounds I'm wanting to lose. 

My diet has been kinda iffy lately. I have definitely not been eating as healthy as I was. I have had a few days where I hit up the sushi buffet and went overboard and I went way over my calorie limit for the day. Since I was healing and dealing with health issues, I didn't let it bother me. I recorded what I was eating and continued to track even on days when I knew that I was going to be over my count. Now that I can bring exercise back to the table I plan on tightening up that food intake belt and making sure that I can feel good about everything I am putting into my body. Exercise is great but without the diet being in check it's all for nothing. 

So, October first is my beginning. Day 1 in the many days ahead that will lead me to my goal weight, my goal body and my healthy outlook on my life. I may not be able to control everything, but the things I can control I plan on doing so with a positive attitude and my best efforts!

Pre-Op visits complete

Yesterday was the lovely day known as pre-op visits with my doctor and the hospital where my surgery will be performed. I was expecting a ton of paperwork and having to sign my name a million times. Honestly it wasn't that bad. I had a few papers and consent forms I had to sign but nothing that was over the top. My hand wasn't clawed or hurting after I was finished from writing so much. Most of my time at these places was spent waiting for the people I needed to talk to to become available. I need to remember next time to bring my e-reader with me so I can read while I'm waiting. Everything is a green light for surgery on Friday and the time is almost here.

The recovery period was raised by my doctor. She originally told me 5 days but with the size of the mass she has lengthened that time to 2 weeks. It does not have to be a "bed rest" 2 weeks at all though. Just taking it easy No lifting, no pushing, no pulling, no carrying, no working etc. Luckily my roommate has agreed to step up and take care of the housework for me and do the cooking. The yard work will be done if needed by the hubby. Once my two weeks is over and I'm feeling up to it I can resume my life as normal. The first thing on that agenda is getting a job.

Surgery is not cheap, nor is it free as many people know from first hand experience. Now my surgery is not nearly as finance draining as some, but it still was a financial burden that we were not prepared for or expecting to have to cover this year. Juggling the monies around we made the magic happen but now it's time for me to step up and go back to work so we don't spend the rest of our lives in debt to my doctor and the hospital. The faster bills get paid off the better for us and the quicker we can start saving money for things that we might actually want to do in the future (like a family vacation).

Most of my questions were answered yesterday by my doctor. She is pretty certain that this mass is not cancerous (but she is having tests run on it after removal to completely rule it out). She did mention that there are many other types of cysts that this could be and just as many reasons for it to have formed. Until she gets in there and sees what she's working with she can't really pinpoint the exact type of mass this is. She briefly mentioned endometriosis, but I'm pretty certain that is not the case because I've known women with that condition and they are in extreme pain all the time from it. My pain though uncomfortable is not extreme in my opinion. So it is still unknown what "Ted's ethninticity" is. It will be determined soon and answers will be mine.

I'm still feeling pretty crummy most days though I'm pushing through it to get stuff done. There is still some housework that needs to be finished and I have to do our laundry. I'm planning on working on those things for the next couple of days so this weekend there won't be much for anyone to do for me. (Other than let me sleep). I will be on pain medication after surgery so I'm sure that I will probably sleep through most of the weekend. I will have some dissolving stitches in my belly button area from the laporoscopy which will dissolve in 6 weeks. No special care will be needed for those. By the end of September I should be starting to feel like my old self again which will be a nice change from the way I have been feeling for the past three weeks.

Which means that depending on what type of job I get and what time work will start for me I will be able to take my walks outside during the nice fall weather. Fall is my favorite season and I love all the colors and smells and of course Halloween. I'm looking forward to decorating our house this year and handing out candy on Halloween and taking Dakota trick or treating in the surrounding neighborhoods. It will be a whole new area to explore and have fun in this year. I want to make pumpkin everything and drink cider and make yummy smelling soups. I hope that I can find time to do all this and still work a full time job. I may have to employ my super woman powers to achieve everything I want to achieve but I think it will be worth it!

Two weeks of healing then I can start exercising again according to the doctor. You know that was the first question I asked her too. I want to start walking again and slowly building back up to jogging because it was totally working for me. Then my body decided to do other things and well you know how that ended up. On top of walking I also want to start my exercise DVD's again. I have a ton of them and I need to work on more of my body than just my legs and glutes. I want to whittle my middle and define my arms so I can get rid of the pelican jiggle under my biceps. I know that comes with age, but I'm not ready to accept that yet so I'm going to change it if I can. I'm not that old yet and I shouldn't look it either. It does no good to have a youthful face if you have an aging body that gives you away at every turn. I'm wanting to be healthy and fit for the first time in 11 years and I know that with the proper motivation I can make it happen. I have the diet and food portions under control now the rest is up to exercise.

Two more days, then I can move forward from this setback. I have plans, I have goals and I plan on getting organized, healthy and fit!

One week to go

Today marks one week away from my surgery day. I'd be lying if I said that I was approaching this completely calm. It's a little scary because until the doctor gets a scope in there she isn't entirely sure if this will be a simple or complex procedure. We don't know yet if the ovary will have to come out as well. We don't know if this mass is completely benign or if there is a possibility that it might be cancerous. There are still just too many questions that I don't have answers to yet and will have to wait for those answers to be revealed. I'm incredibly over this waiting game.

I have an appointment on Tuesday to meet with my doctor and the hospital to sign all the pre-op paperwork and ask any questions I may have. I have written my questions in my composition book so I don't forget them and I'm sure that I will get plenty of written instructions on what to do. They won't let me go into this surgery blind per se, but surgery is still something that is not to be taken lightly.

I'm looking forward to not having a fever all the time and not being tired by noon. I'm looking forward to the bloating and swelling from the inflammation to go away so I don't look so fat. I'm looking forward to being able to start exercising again so I can start back down the road to reclaiming my health and longevity. I'm even looking forward to going back to work and hopefully finding a good paying office job. (Medical debt adds up quick). I have plenty of things to look forward to after "Ted" is gone and at this point those things are where my focus is at the moment. I just want to feel normal again and not like some sort of host for this alien growing inside of me. It's really not a cool feeling at all.

This weekend will be spent getting the house in order and making sure that the deeper cleaning chores get done. If the weather holds out, I'd also like to get these yards finished up. The front isn't bad but we never finished the back completely and it's ridiculous. Wishing we had better equipment to do the job, but we work with what we've got.

Feeling anxious waiting for everything to fall into place as it should. Just one more week! Then I will be "Ted" free and on my way back to the healthy life that I deserve and will work hard to have.