Monday, October 7, 2013

The Number Haunts Me

As I begin my second week of October I made a mistake first thing this morning. I decided to step onto the scale to see if I'd lost any weight. I look so much smaller and I feel like I could have dropped at least a pound since surgery, so I stepped up with a positive attitude. I walked 5 days last week and by the end of the week was up to walking 3 miles. I knew that something good would come of that, right?

Well, once again the scale has disappointed me. I have gained a pound! I'm now back up to 179. Seriously? So exercise and eating right makes me gain weight? Don't feed me that "muscle weighs more than fat" line either because I'm sick of hearing it. That's what you tell fat people when they don't see results and need a positive affirmation so they won't give up. So from now on I'm only going to weigh in at the beginning of each month when I do my measurements so I can track my progress that way. Stupid scale!

I know that it's the inches that matter, I know that my overall health is excellent. When I went in for surgery and they were taking my vitals prior to anesthesia, the nurse was shocked that my vitals were so good. She said I had the vital readings of an athlete. Perfect blood pressure, perfect oxygen saturation etc etc. She said I should be proud of how healthy I was. I certainly didn't feel healthy being there to have a tumor removed. Now that I think back on it, maybe she has a point. My body is healthy even if I have some flabby parts and I'm not the weight or size I would like to be. I will continue to work on it and hope that my results will reflect all the hard work that I intend on putting into my health. However it's still just really frustrating that I'm doing everything right and I still don't see that number on the scale move.

There was a meme going around on facebook recently that said "I wish I was as fat now as I was the first time I thought I was fat." If that were the case I would be 120 pounds. Not that I ever want to be that thin again because I was a recovering anorexic at that point (I'd gained weight from 99lbs), but to be under 150lbs would be super. I think I will always have that anorexic mindset of "you should be thinner, you can be thinner." I'm coming to realize that in my 20's, sure I could get thin at the drop of a hat. However in my late 30's it's going to take more than just walking around and eating right to achieve this goal. I'm going to have to work harder than I thought I would because my body isn't a high school girl's body anymore that can just become whatever I want it to be that week. I have a woman's body now. The body of a wife and a mother. The body of 37 years of life with all it's struggles, mistakes, heartaches, accomplishments and successes. I should love my body for what it has accomplished, for the health it has bestowed upon me and for the beauty that others find in it. I'm my harshest critic and I know that I am capable of something more. I was thinking that a 5 pound weight loss goal for this month might be reasonable but I'm thinking now that it might be a little too lofty. Maybe I should have set a 2 pound goal instead. All I can do is my best at this point and see what my results will be at the end of the month!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Don't give up, mama. You have come too far to let a number derail you. If it were easy to stay thin, everyone would be thin, but it takes work. It might be that while the outside of your body has recovered well post-surgery, there might be some post-op swelling going on still. And remember: at this point, if the inches are coming off, it's still a GREAT THING! Our bodies will never be like they were when we were in high school or our early 20s. If they were, I would be 115 lbs. and rocking a six-pack. :) But, you still look fabulous and know that all of this hard work has and will continue to pay off. Don't give up, don't give in, and keep up with the healthy living. It will prolong your life and be a wonderful example for Dakota and others. *hugs*