Monday, June 17, 2013

The Wall of Self Doubt

It seems that the past few days I have hit a wall of self doubt within myself that has no reason for being here. I am still doing my workouts, I am still eating vegetarian, I am still trying to remain positive. I am feeling as if my efforts are for nothing and that no matter what I do I am just destined just to be another fat girl that is glossed over by society and will lead a forgettable life.

What?? As I read the above paragraph, I know that isn't the true me talking. It's all the years of low self esteem and doubts that I have pushed into the back of my mind but not yet dealt with. I try to ignore the bad voices in my head and just push past them rather than evicting them from their perfectly comfortable existence in my life. Even though I realize this, I can't help but feel totally defeated in every way imaginable.

So tonight I needed a pick me up. I needed a reminder that I have made steps and progress towards my goal even though the journey is not happening as quickly as I would like. I started my weight loss journey in December of 2011. I started a plan called the Pink Method that had a very structured eating plan and exercise plan that was perfectly laid out in the book I got along with my videos. I started strong on the plan. My first measurements when I started the program were as follows:

Bust: 44 inches
Waist: 44 1/2 inches
Hips: 48 inches
Thighs: 44 inches
Weight: 215 pounds

Not something that I was very proud of at all. So I worked this plan for about 2 1/2 months before pain in my feet and back sidelined me and I wasn't able to do the workouts anymore. I also discovered my gluten allergy shortly after getting off that program and I had to start making changes in my eating habits that didn't include wheat based products anymore.

Fast forward to about 2 years later and I am sitting in my room watching episodes of The Biggest Loser, looking for inspiration to continue working out and eating right. On a whim I pulled out my Pink Method diary book and looked back at those measurements. I took new measurements tonight to see what kind of progress I had made over the past 2 years. These were my results:

Bust: 36 1/2 inches
Waist: 37 inches
Hips: 43 1/2 inches
Thighs: 38 1/2 inches
Weight: 181 pounds

That's a weight loss of 34 pounds and a loss of 25 inches total. I see the amount of inches lost and I feel a little bit better about my progress. I know that I am doing the right thing and that if I continue on the path that I am currently on this time next year I will have even more weight and inch loss to report. Still, I wish the number on the scale would reflect my hard work a little more and get lower. You can tell a lot by photos as well and when I look at photos of me over the past few years, I can see a difference.

My wedding in 2006 (235lbs)

Birthday Party in 2007

Anniversary Trip in 2008

At BCBST in 2009

WWE Hall of Fame Event 2011

Stone Mountain Park 2012

After a workout in 2013

Georgia Ren Faire 2013

Apparently size matters and it's obvious that I am getting smaller. Now I just need to ramp up my workouts that I have gotten quite bored with and make each one count. I still have about 60 pounds to lose so I need to stay positive and focused and know that dedication will be my biggest asset in this journey, there is no easy way out or I would have done it by now, that's for sure!

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