I'll fully admit, I did not go to the gym yesterday. I am still recovering from the extreme exhaustion I caused myself over 3 days of little sleep and lots of activity. I'm still feeling a little on the hung over side, but it's started to become manageable. Yesterday was a trail and error day for me because I wasn't sure exactly why I was feeling so vulnerable and moody. I'll give you a prime example of little things that should not have mattered at all, but bothered me too much yesterday.
I am very up front about my gluten allergy with everyone, especially people I am around often. Co-workers are included into this group simply because I spend 8 hours a day with these people and I eat at least one meal in their presence so it's just common knowledge in my group of work friends. I wanted sushi yesterday so I went to Fresh Market on my lunch break and picked some up. The sushi chef there makes up wonderful lunch packets of the most delicious sushi and it's always fresh because he makes it every day. He always greets me and smiles when I come in and I feel good knowing that I have the option to get my sushi fix when I want it because it has become a comfort food over the years and it's one that I know is healthy and in moderation good for me too! My coworkers decided to go to Subway. I can't go into subway now because the overwhelming desire I have to taste that delicious smelling bread almost kills me. It breaks me down mentally and makes me feel bad for being different. They went and brought the food back to eat in our training room because we only get a 30 minute lunch break and that's not long enough to eat at a restaurant.
I share a desk with one of my co-workers. We are in a training room that has no windows and we have to keep the door closed most of the day so our conversations don't disturb the people working in the department surrounding our room. It's like a little closet, where we work hard to make sure that commit dates are met and that things are getting time in a timely and correct manner. There are 4 of us in there daily and we have all gotten very comfortable with one another due to the close quarters. The desks are long tables that are set up with two computers on each of them. So my co-worker and I share one of the tables, which means that we are up close and personal with each other. I have absolutely no issue with that part of it at all, I love people as a general rule. Yesterday though, I was not in the lovey mood and I got my feelings hurt over something ridiculous.
The co-worker I share space with came back with chicken fingers and potato wedges for her lunch as she opted not to have Subway. She popped open her container of deliciousness and the smell filled the room. It smelled so good. I know I can't eat that stuff, one bite will send my insides into a turbulence that I just don't want to deal with ever. Instead of staring at her as she ate her lunch, I put my nose into my book. She finished her plate of breaded deep fried goodness and then opened a package of King's Hawaiian bread rolls. Those were one of my favorites before I discovered that I could no longer eat gluten. The sweet smell of the rolls hit me and I swear my vision blurred for a moment. She turned to me and asked "Do you want one?" I wasn't sure if she was just being nice and simply forgot that bread was the bane of my existence of if she was just messing with me but either way it didn't sit right. In a slow motion show of my irritation my head turned towards her and I said "NO, bread has wheat in it!" I then began reading my book again so hurt that she would offer me something that she knew I couldn't have. I almost cried.
It's one thing when you make a choice not to eat a certain way because you want to lose weight or you are trying to eat a cleaner healthier way. Then it's your CHOICE not to have these foods. I don't have a choice, if I eat anything with the tiniest amount of gluten in it I am sick for days and sometimes weeks at a time. It's not a health choice for me, I CAN'T have these things. That makes me want them even more. Admitting to myself that breads and pastas were a total comfort food to me was a big step along my gluten free journey. I would eat tons of those delicious carb filled rolls or cakes or pies or whatever and soothe my depression or anger or hurt feelings with every bite. It was not a healthy or safe place for me to be mentally or physically as I continued to gain weight. They were a passion and a love for me and I had to give them up completely when I started listening to my body and figured out what the root cause of my pain was. Does that mean that I don't still walk up the bread aisle and take a deep breath when the bakery is making new loaves? I sure do. Does that mean that I don't oogle the dessert menu and dream of a time when I could eat these things? I sure do. I am still human, having a gluten allergy doesn't change that fact. I have wants and I occasionally want bread or cookies or pasta. I know that I can't eat them so I acknowledge my want of them and file it away for later use. I really really wanted that bread roll yesterday and the fact that I couldn't have it hit me hard and I felt like a freak that didn't belong in the "normal" person's world.
So I came home and talked about it and tried to make sense of my irrational response to a simple nice gesture by a co-worker. I think it might have been due to my lack of sleep the past few nights and I was overly emotional due to that. My brain is doing some strange things lately so I have to reign it in and keep myself under control so the anxiety and depression don't see that as an open invite and make their way into my life right now. It's holiday time which is filled with baked goods and tons of food choices that will not be geared for me, I understand this, I accept this and I will be stalwart in my dedication to keeping my body healthy and not filling it with foods that will make it sick. One moment of happiness while chewing a forbidden food is not worth endless nights and days of pain and discomfort.
That's what's on my mind lately. Trying to get back to normal mentally so I can resume my workout schedule in the evenings and start to get on the fit train. Time and rest will do wonders and I will be back to my old self soon I'm sure.