I got up this morning and went to work feeling groggy and unhappy. My financial situation is horrible right now. I am barely making ends meet and I'm behind on every single bill I have. I drug myself into work and tried to get through another day of tedium hoping that an answer might be reached as I daydreamed of solutions.
My support system texted me throughout my day to make sure I was ok. To tell me how special they thought I was and to make sure I didn't let my depression get the best of me. It's hard when they can't be here to offer support in person, but at least I have ways to communicate with my two guardians. I don't know what I'd do without them and I often wonder if I'm worth all the struggle they go through on my behalf.
I got to work early today for a change which means I got off work early too. I came home on a mission I was going to figure out a way to get my finances in better order. I sat down at my computer after work and started crunching numbers. It wasn't pretty at all. I got so sick to my stomach when I looked at what I bring home compared to what my bills are. I just knew that it was hopeless. On a whim I called the company I have my auto loan through. Maybe they might be able to help me? After a 30 minute phone conversation with a really helpful representative, I was able to get my car payments lowered from $380 per month to $257.89 per month. So over $100 less a month in payments. I was ecstatic. Now I might be able to get caught up with them and my pay schedule is a lot easier to handle on my income. I should be able to be all caught up hopefully by August 2nd. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
I have also filled out financial aide forms for daycare. At $460 per month, that's a bit much for me to afford. I need full time care for my little sprout since I work full time, but that's almost as much as the rent on my duplex, so I applied for the aide to see what they could offer for a reduction. Even if it's half that amount that would be so much easier for me to handle. I have to wait and see at this point.
The only thing in my life that I stress out about honestly is money. I'm accepting the being alone at home thing. I'm accepting being a single mom and having to make sure that I provide everything that my son needs while still being a parent and disciplinarian. I've even accepted that sleeping alone is not the end of the world, especially when you have a super cute squishy bear to sleep with. He's great to cuddle with and he smells really good. I just wish with everything I had in me that I made more money. People say "Get a second job." What would I do with my son in the evenings if I did that. I have no one local that would watch him for me, at least not reliably enough for me to get a part time job. So I struggle and scrap and try to make due with what is given to me but sometimes I just want to say "Screw it I'm done!"
My emotions are all sorts of messed up right now. I know I need to be strong, I know I have to go on for the sake of my family and friends that love and care about me. However, I'm so very tired. Not sleepy tired either, life tired. My Mama used to always say "Dammit Erin I'm so tired", I never understood what she meant until now. Life takes a little out of you every day. Stress, complications, highs, lows, they all have their effects on you. I just want to curl up and sleep. Sleep the sleep of the dreamers and not awaken until my life is less complicated. When something may go my way without months of struggle prior. If this is a test then I'd like to know what I'm being tested for, because good grief I deserve top prize for the life I've lived.
Coffee doesn't make me smile anymore. Tv make me cry for silly reasons. Music either makes me sad or extremely aggressive and angry. I have to clean my kitchen again I have no clean dishes, yet I can't seem to walk the 5 feet into the kitchen to do it. "I'll do it tomorrow" I hear myself promise, but then tomorrow never comes. I feel as if I'm winding down slowly and I'm not quite sure what to do to get myself back up. Gee, I guess paying my bills would be a good start and I'm attempting to work on that but seriously easier said than done. I'm a proud person and I have to be the best at everything so admitting that I am currently not the best, hurts my soul in ways that I never imagined. I feel broken. Used. Wondering if I can even salvage the person inside anymore because she has spent so many years damaged that it may be easier just to leave her locked inside. Is there hope or is it just a beautiful lie?
Welcome to a day in my life....