Monday, July 5, 2010

Coffee can't fix everything....

This is my first post on my new and improved blog. I am hoping to be able to post regularly and use this as my means to healing. It helps to talk things out, so I am using this to talk to everyone who wants to listen! I can't promise every post will be amazingly entertaining or reveal some life changing revelation but I will promise it will be real, honest and from the heart.

In April I made the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I decided to end my almost 4 year marriage and move out on my own with my son. I was miserable in my life and I knew that in order to fix it I had to change it. My feelings for him had changed so drastically that instead of coming home to my husband every evening, it felt more like I was coming home to a roommate. We weren't being intimate, in fact I slept on the couch most evenings. It was time to end it and I did. 

When you are in a relationship for any length of time you get used to the mundane things. Little things like someone to sleep next to, someone to watch television with, someone to rub your feet after a long day at work. These are things that I always took for granted because they were always there. The money in a relationship is always nice. Two incomes are better than one and when as a family you are pulling in over 7k a month, lord does it make life easier. I went from 7k a month to barely over $1500 a month being single. My bills didn't change, I still have the same responsibilities, just not near enough money to pay everything I am supposed to be paying. This is where my mind starts to get the best of me and I start to self destruct.

My first week in my own place was the worst week of my life. I'd come home from work and sit on my perfectly comfortable couch and just bawl. I was so lonely and at the time my internet and television weren't connected yet so all I had as my lifeline to my friends was my Iphone. My phone is like my second heart. Without it I don't think I could live. It keeps me connected to the people I most cherish in my life in ways that are convenient and quick and my support system of friends is always a text away. I sleep with my phone and it is never turned off (unless I'm at the movie theater). I spent most of that week texting and on Facebook whenever I got the chance because I was trying so desperately to connect to something because my life felt so incredible empty and useless.

The second week was worst than the first. My bank account ended up overdrawn and my financial situation went from bad to worse. My paycheck that week was for over $700 and by the time the bank got their share I had $50 left in my account to try to live on for two weeks. I was not sleeping at night, my production levels at work started slipping and I was thinking about hurting myself on a daily basis. The only thing I had in my life that I could even remotely be proud of was my son. Without him I might have done something stupid and I probably wouldn't be here writing this if I had.

I began to throw myself into the fantasy world of live action role playing in the form of what our group calls Heroic. We get together monthly at state parks and have weekend long events where we get to play the roles of characters that we created and live out the lives of these characters. I've always loved live action RP because it allows me to interact with real people, not just some name on a screen that I know nothing about. These people not only took me in and became my friends but they have gone beyond that and accepted me as their family. Any single one of them if I needed them to would help me out in any way shape or form that I needed. That is something that not everyone has in their life and my LARP family means more to me than they will ever know. However even in the live action world there are breaks and we try not to schedule too many events in the summers seeing as how it is hot and we think about the safety of the players. My heart broke in May when we had our last event until August because I realized I wouldn't get to see my "family" for 2 1/2 months. I about died. I came home from the last event I was at and cried for hours to the point of making myself sick. I felt like my support system was gone and I was back to being all alone in my pathetic little life. 

Through the live action world I have met many good people. Two of the people I have met have become a staple in my life at this point and are my main means of support. I have been to their house, they have come to visit me in Chattanooga and we have spent more hours texting and chatting through whatever means are available to us than we probably should. They are two of the most amazing people in the world because beyond the silly stuff we say and do and beyond the gaming lifestyle they see the real me. The woman who is inside this hard outer shell that needs so badly to be healed so she can be complete again. I sat for hours this past weekend talking with them in my living room about where to go from here. It was a hard conversation to have and I hate admitting I need help but at this point in my life it's time to move forward and stop living in the past.

I have major issues with depression and self image. I don't sleep nights because I have horrific nightmares and night terrors that I just can't handle. The human body can only be pushed so much before it gives out and I have pushed myself to the edge of that brink. Not taking proper care of myself has left me tired and sad. I don't find joy in may things anymore and I wall myself up from everyone because I am terrified of letting anyone get close enough to hurt me, even though I feel I deserve to be hurt.

This is where my two best friends stepped in and said "Ok, intervention time babe." They are tired of seeing me hurt, they want me to get better and be able to be the mom I need to be, the business woman I need to be, the friend I need to be and eventually when the time comes the relationship partner I need to be. They held my hands, looked me in the eyes and told me exactly how it was. There was no sugar coating, there was no telling me what I wanted to hear, there was only honesty because I needed a good dose of reality staring me in the face and she did. I don't think I have ever made eye contact with someone for so long, the eyes are the gateway to the soul and I hate people being able to see in. However if I don't let people in, I'll never be able to get through what I'm about to endeavor into alone.

I see a therapist currently. My appointments are about once a month because my finances won't allow me to go more regularly. I am not completely honest with my therapist when I have my sessions. I don't admit how I'm truly feeling and I have turned down her suggestion of medication multiple times saying "If I need a pill to make me happy I have failed in life". However at this point I have two choices in life. I can go to her and admit that I need more proactive help with my condition and start to accept the help from the sources I have available to me or I can allow myself to self destruct and end up down the road of rock bottom where my life will fall apart completely and in that my son will be negatively impacted at well. I hate admitting I can't do everything myself. I have a super hero complex and yes dammit I have to save the world. However Stan Lee isn't writing my story so my super powers have failed me. I am so tired and I can finally say this honestly I'm sick. Depression isn't just something that lazy people use to lay around and not do anything. It's a condition that requires care and maintenance in order to control so the person can lead a functional and healthy life. My life is not healthy right now, far from it. So I am at the top of the waterfall looking down into the sparkling pool of health. All I have to do is jump. I'm scare of heights, I hate thinking about the unknown, what if the little pool down there isn't big enough for me and I hit bottom? Ok that is my mind trying to prevent me from doing what I need to do because for years I have been programmed by people who didn't have my best interests in mind when they were in my life. 

I see my friends holding out their hands to me. I feel the hugs, I see their eyes when they talk to me. The love, the concern, the caring not only for me but for Dakota as well. They want me better, they need me better so I can live life and not just go through the motions because I'm functioning on auto pilot. I hear the words "you have to want this we can't do this for you". So here I am at the top of that waterfall. I started taking Melatonin last night to help me sleep. It worked beautifully. I wasn't drugged out, I woke up just fine and didn't feel a bit groggy or ill. I slept for 11 hours last night. Something I haven't done in months. If I get 2-3 hours a night I'm excited. Sleep what a foreign concept. I didn't dream, I just slept. Step one complete, rest is required in order to function. Check that off my list of things to accomplish, a regular sleep schedule. My phone was set to silent and I didn't answer a text or facebook message at all. I need to learn that in order for me to be healthy and ok, it's necessary to unplug sometimes because the world won't stop if I'm not online or have my phone on. Everyone will still be there in the morning and I can answer messages then. I get it and it's going to be hard to unplug but I got through night one successfully! Go me!

Still looking down into that pool at the bottom of the waterfall. My friends are down there looking up at me. I fidgit nervously. I bite my lower lip. They look up at me and nod. I take a few steps back from the edge. I take a deep breath, get a running start and................jump!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. Last year my wife lost her job and we were in financial ruin. We felt that God was pushing us to tithe and it was the hardest thing to do. We gave 10% of my check to our church and struggled the whole time wondering if anything was really going to happen, but we kept remembering this verse,

"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

Within two months of tithing from nothing, my wife received a new job at double at what she had made. I know that it is difficult to hear at times, but you are really a good person and even though we really didn't spend a lot of time together after high school, know that I pray for you and believe that God will see you through this, if you trust him. Sometimes all we need is a little faith.