Friday, August 23, 2013

My Reality

I've tried to take some time this week so I can reflect on my reality and realize that there are going to be changes and there are some facts that I need to accept. Three weeks from today I will be at the hospital being prepped for surgery. "Ted" (the mass) will be removed and the healing process will begin. However the world does not stop simply because I'm having to have surgery. There is still housework to be done, grocery shopping to do, my son has homework to work on nightly, all the joys that come with being a stay at home mother and wife. I've been keeping myself busy with as much as I can but the countdown has begun for me, three more weeks.

In the past month or so I have not been exercising as much as I used to. Due to complications that "Ted" is throwing at me like back pain, phantom leg pain and side stitches when I walk too fast. I usually only walk maybe once or twice a week and some weeks I don't go at all. Plus the weather here in Georgia has been rainy and not something that I would want to work out in to begin with. As I was laying in bed last night I noticed that I seem to be carrying some extra weight in my middle again. I felt my mood drop when I saw it. At this point I don't know if it's bloating from "Ted" or inflammation, did I accidentally consume dairy or gluten recently? I honestly can't give a definite answer to that one. It's frustrating because I was getting so thin and when I laid down my stomach was flat, I know that doesn't mean much to most people but to anyone who's ever been overweight that is a huge accomplishment. I'm afraid to get on the scale because if it reads more than 178 I know that I will beat myself up over it and that I will be depressed and freak out because I'm "getting fat again". As much as I try not to be number obsessed, it's hard. It's hard because from the time we are young girls that number defines everything. It defines our appearance and self worth even though we consciously know that it shouldn't. Sometimes, I really hate being a girl. If a man has some extra weight it's not near as bad for him socially, unless we are talking extreme obesity. However let a woman get a little in the middle and she's criticized for every extra ounce. I've heard the whispers, I've been asked when I was "due", I've seen girls look at me when I walk into stores and snicker because I'm bigger and shouldn't shop there according to them. The thing that hurts me is I wasn't always this way. I used to be thin, weight was never an issue for me growing up in fact it was hard for me to put weight on because I was so active. I stayed thin through my early 20's but then once I had my son, my body changed and I didn't listen to what it needed me to do in order to keep it healthy. I began to comfort myself with food because I couldn't deal with what was going on in my life and the fact that I was extremely unhappy for a long time. Now that I'm working on changing all that, I find that it's so much harder to correct 11 years of bad habits.

Recently I was chatting with a friend who over the course of a couple of years has lost a significant amount of weight. They were talking about wanting to eat like a fat kid and just not worry about what they were consuming. I mentioned that I understood that sentiment. Then they commented that with my allergies to certain foods it made it easy for me because I couldn't eat those things. Logically yes, that is true, but trust me there is nothing easy about having to eliminate whole food groups out of your diet. If you haven't noticed dairy and gluten seem to be in everything these days (well everything packaged that is). Just because I can't eat those food types doesn't mean that I don't crave foods from those groups constantly. It's one thing to crave something and be able to "cheat" and eat it anyways. I crave something and I literally cannot eat it and will never be able to eat it again because my body can't handle digestion of it. How do you get over that? They say eventually you get over it and your body no longer craves those food types. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen. I still crave fresh baked bread, I crave Hawaiian rolls, I crave flour tortillas so I can eat a real burrito, I crave chocolate, I crave cheese. The chocolate and cheese I have found dairy free substitutes for but still when you walk by the cheese department in the store and can smell all those wonderful aromas, it's hard not to want it. I can no longer just grab something off the shelf and buy it or eat it, I have to really look at the label to make sure it doesn't have gluten or dairy and now I'm trying to eliminate high fructose corn syrup too so I try to watch it as well. So many changes that I've had to go through this year and it seems like my journey for change isn't quite over yet.

Talking things over with my doctor and my husband we have come to the decision that I will not be having any more children. There is too much risk involved and with my age as a determining factor now too, I don't want to run the risk of complications. That really bothers me. I was blessed with having one child already after being told by three different doctors that I would never be able to conceive a child let alone carry one full term. Well I did and now I have a sassy eleven year old to show for it. I am so glad that I was able to experience that at least once because I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could. I really wanted to have another child though. When I was younger I wanted four kids, as time went on and after having my son, I narrowed that down to wanting just two kids. Now I'm having to be happy with just one. There is always going to be that longing for another child with me, the "what might have been" feelings. I know that there are options out there for us (adoption) that would allow me to have another child and I'm thinking about that maybe in the next couple of years or so. However it won't be the same as having another child that I carried, that has mine and my husband's DNA, that is something I created. It's a principle thing for me and I know that my hubby's family would love for us to have a child together so they could have another grand baby to love. Coming to terms with this is hard for me, I get a point where I think I have accepted it and then I get emotional and the sadness creeps back in. It's a day to day process and all I can do is move forward and try not to feel sorry for myself.

I'm looking forward to this surgery being done and my recovery process to be over so I can get back onto my fitness bandwagon. I'm seriously worried about my weight and I would love to be able to start working out regularly again without fatigue, pains or bad moods to keep me down. I don't have far to go on my weight loss journey so I'm anxious to get to my goal weight and celebrate that I did this on my own. It's something that I've been looking forward too for a number of years now and I'm close but I still have that last little bit to go. At least my goal weight is in sight now and it's not just a dream to me anymore. When you are over 200 pounds at 5 foot 6, it's a dream to think of being anything but heavy. Now I'm in the 100's and I'm looking at it like "Hey I might actually be able to do this thing!" So once I'm healed and the doctor gives me the green light I want to start power walking and building myself back up so I can start jogging again. I might also try to do some of the workout dvd's that I have over the winter if the weather here doesn't permit me to take my workouts outdoors.

One day at a time. Trying to get things organized so that my household is in an orderly fashion before my surgery. I don't want my husband to have to do everything for those couple of days that I'm in bed and drugged up. Trying to get myself mentally to a good place of acceptance and understanding so I don't go into this surgery with regret and sadness in my heart. It's a tall order to have completed in three weeks time, but I'm going to do my best to get there and start back on the road to healthy. This was just a minor setback, I'm ready to move forward. My goal, I will be able to wear a bikini by next summer!

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