Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Where Did All These Emotions Come From?

Today I have been on what seems like a never ending roller coaster of emotions. I woke up and was tired and crabby. Went to the DMV to transfer my TN license to GA and that was an epic fail because I did not have a copy of my marriage license with me. I went home and found the marriage license and went back only to be told that I would also need the divorce decree from my first marriage in order to prove that my name changes were legitimate. Georgia requires the full "paper trail" for every name change in order to be licensed in the state. Seriously my first marriage was almost 20 years ago! I now have to contact the supreme court of the county the decree was issued in and hope that they can send me a copy. Oh my lord! I left the DMV the second time in tears and was so frustrated when I got home that I laid down on the couch and fell asleep until time to leave for my doctor appointment this afternoon. It was a routine gyno visit so I didn't figure it would be a big deal. Found out I have a stupid bacterial infection and now I have to take an antibiotic for the next 10 days. Could my day get any better?

After spending 45 minutes at CVS getting my prescription and some much needed chocolate bars I headed home and felt so disappointed. I think I have identified why I felt so low. The last time I was at the gyno in Dec of 2011 it was when I was losing my baby. I was terrified and in agony and told that the baby that I had been told about only 2 weeks prior was no longer "in there". The ultrasound proved the miscarriage and I left the doctor's office that day feeling an emptiness that I had never quite experienced before. I felt like I had failed and that I had done something wrong. Maybe it was my weight, maybe it was stress, maybe it was because I wouldn't be a good mom. Honestly the reason the pregnancy wasn't viable will never be known to me and it's one of the horrible mysteries that plague women over the age of 33 who try to conceive.

Today as I waited in the office I was reminded of that time as I prayed that the ultrasound would show even a shimmer of hope that the baby was ok. As the exam today began I was so very uncomfortable and unhappy. It had nothing to do with the doctor (who was wonderful and very welcoming to me), it had everything to do with my own messed up head and hanging onto times in my life that are dark.

I made dinner tonight and felt numb. I washed the dishes and didn't get my usual happy feeling from having a nice clean kitchen. We are watching a show about couponing and I started crying and apologizing to my husband for being a horrible wife and spending all the money that I do at the store (and I don't spend that much). I just feel so down and out that no amount of chocolate in the world would make it better. I used my discipline and only ate a few squares of the chocolate bar I bought because I've lost a couple of pounds since we moved and I don't want to start tacking the weight back on by drowning myself in sugar that I don't need late at night. I haven't been out this week to exercise because the weather has been cooler than usual and overcast or raining. I know there are things I could do to torch some calories here at home but my motivation has been pretty low this week. It's about a week prior to my monthly cycle, so it's no wonder I'm moody and feeling blah, even though I am not going to blame all of my problems on PMS because that would be wrong.

I am going to finish my tea and maybe even have another cup to relax me some more. I need to just breathe and let the negativity of today go so I can get some good sleep tonight and start a new day tomorrow. I just hate feeling down like this because I can't really explain why or find all the answers as to what triggers my mood swings. However I think crying over a TV show about couponing is a bit ridiculous so that I will blame on PMS, lol! I'm hoping to have better days the rest of this week, keep your fingers crossed for me!

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