The co-worker that sits right next to me noticed what was going on and went to talk to the supervisor about it. She came back to our room and apologized for her outburst but it was business and if she was going to get her butt chewed for this account not being done properly you can best assure so were we. I didn't hear her words. I was already in shut down mode. She told me to go wash my face and collect myself. I don't remember walking to the bathroom and washing my face, I don't remember returning to my desk looking like I had spent too much time in the sun because I was red. I started itching and scratched my arms out of habit. The tears started again even though she was talking calmly and telling us it wasn't personal at all it was business and sometimes she had to be the hard-ass even though she hated to do it. "Why do you make me do these things to you? It's your fault" was all I was hearing even though that was never once said. I tried to focus on getting stuff going because work had to be done. The emotion spike had lead to what I call an anxiety dump. When all the emotions and physical effects of the anxiety bottom out and end up in the pit of your stomach as a wave of illness. The nausea hit me and I had to fight the urge to vomit. I was already fighting the urge to quit. My vision blurred and I felt like I was no longer in reality. I tried to breathe normally and it hurt. My head began to ache and I suddenly grew very very sleepy.
I worked two hours of overtime last night because we were so swamped with requests. I didn't get through near enough of them despite the fact that we had been working our butts off that day. I'm not sure what my coworkers think of me at this point. Honestly, I'm not sure I care. I have a condition, a condition that has not flared up in over a year at this point and one that I weaned myself off medications for. I didn't have a pill that would help at all yesterday I did it myself. I remembered my breathing, I focused on something to take my mind off of belittling myself, I drank tea to connect to reality and when I could I sent a text to my husband and told him what had happened. I needed to reach out and talk about it with someone while it was still fresh in my mind and I could convey how I was feeling. He listened, he was concerned for my health and told me if I needed to quit the job to just do so and come home. I decided to stay the course and work through the problems and be the employee that everyone knows I can be.
Anxiety won yesterday, no doubt about it. I'm still feeling the effects of the anxiety dump today as well. I slept ok but I woke up feeling heavy and with my stomach not feeling so well. I know the side effects of my condition can last a few days so I'm going to try to take it easy today and take it slow. I have to go to work, I'll probably have to work some overtime but if I approach this with a positive calm attitude the anxiety won't win today.It will know I'm back in control and it will return to it's cave where it will wait for the next moment to spring up on me unaware. Anxiety and depression never go away, they are conditions that will always be there, but you can control them and take back your life. It just takes the willpower to not be the loser and the focus to use the strength you have. Today is a new day and I will be part of it instead of just going through the motions of it.