Friday, November 23, 2012

Falling off the wagon and chasing it down!

After I had my oral surgery and had 5 teeth removed in August I wasn't able to eat solid foods for about 3 weeks. I lived on soft foods and liquids until I was healed up enough to chew again. I dropped about 7lbs that 3 weeks and was so excited to be down to 186lbs. I fit into a size 14 jeans and was really comfortable with the new slimmer me.

Then I was able to eat solids again. Well lets just say that I ate and ate and ate some more. I was like a hungry hungry hippo and grabbing everything in sight. I was justifying my increased appetite with the fact that I was hungry and hadn't eaten in three weeks! This trend continued for 2 months though. Up until last week I was indulging in desserts (just because they are gluten free does not make them calorie free), large portions of foods that I probably shouldn't be eating (oh, Red Robin now has gluten free buns, I can eat burgers again!) and late night snacks that went well into the evening hours while I laid there watching bad horror movies on Netflicks. Halloween came and I indulged in my son's Halloween candy because those Hershey's were gluten free and I could only eat the gluten free candy. I had definitely fallen off the healthy wagon and it was moving further and further away from me with every mouthful of food I took.

About two weeks ago I went shopping for some more jeans because the one pair I had wasn't enough for my work week. I skipped into the thrift store, grabbed an armload of size 14's and headed for the dressing rooms. Well, not thinking about all those weeks of eating crap and lots of it I tried on the first size 14, it didn't fit. Well maybe it's because it's sized weird, so I tried on another size 14. It didn't fit either. Out of the 6 pairs of size 14 jeans I had in there NONE of them fit. I was pissed. How could this be. Just a few weeks ago I was slim and trim and no longer in "plus" size pants, what had happened. I took a brief moment to actually look at myself in the full length mirror in the dressing room and realized that all those indulgences had found their way to my midsection and thighs. I had let food win. I grabbed the jeans off the floor and went out of the dressing room like a kicked puppy. I put them all back on the hangars and put them back on the rack, the whole time thinking about what  failure I was and how much of a fat loser I had become. I grabbed the oh too familiar size 16 jeans that I have worn for years and went back into the dressing room, head hung low. Wow, they fit, go figure! I purchased my jeans and left the store feeling awful about myself. I blamed everything but myself for the recent weight gain. I blamed hormones (stupid period makes me eat chocolate), I blamed work (stupid job makes me snack all day), I blamed stress at home (dealing with the needs of my family makes me sneak into the bedroom and eat candy at night). I never once blamed MYSELF for what I had done. Erin could not be responsible for eating all those bad things or even the good things I did eat that were in huge quantities. Oh well at least I had pants to wear to work right?


I had returned to the place of comfort eating and self soothing with food. For medical reasons mentioned in previous posts, I haven't been to the gym since September. Without being able to work out the large quantities of food I was consuming had nowhere to go other than on my body as stored fat. I wallowed in self pity for a few days then I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself off. I got angry. I finally took responsibility for my actions and stopped blaming life for happening to me. It was time, time to arm myself with the tools I had at my disposal to track my food and fitness and get back on that wagon. I wasn't going to spend another Winter miserable and self loathing. While everyone is indulging in pies and cookies and foods of holiday cheer I want to be indulging in weight training and cardio. When New Year's rolls around I want to look at myself and know that 2013 is going to be the year that I continue to be a success story in my own life and not a failure to myself. I have to do this for ME first and then those around me get the benefit of my health and happiness too. It's time to climb back on that wagon and continue on the journey.

With all that said, I have lost 5 of the 9 pounds I gained back. I am tracking my food daily as well as tracking my water intake to make sure I get my 93 ounces a day in. I am following doctor's orders for my health issues and taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym and not make excuses or think about how much I hate weight training. I need to strengthen my body, not just lose weight. Honestly it's not really about weight loss at all for me at this point, it's about becoming strong and happy. The weight loss will come with time and once I build lean muscle to burn off all that stubborn fat. I have to be consistent and persistent with it. I have to be an advocate for myself because no one is going to advocate for me. I need to realize that gluten free isn't calorie free and pay attention to what I put into my body. (I am still floored by the fact that 9 pounds is a pant size, I mean 9 measly pounds? Really?)

I have started packing my lunches for work, bringing lots of fruits and vegetables with me along with my lean protein for lunch and my chocolate rice cake for my afternoon snack. I am in love with apples and eat them every chance I get, at least twice a day. I am training myself to eat slower and chew my food. Not gulp it down so I can move onto what I need to do next. I take a bit and put the utensil down as I chew. This allows my body to tell me when it's had enough. If I eat everything on my plate great, if I don't it's leftovers for another time. This is a hard thing because for as long as I can remember I have "inhaled" my food and eaten fast. My body never registered full and I was eating way more than I needed to. Now that I have identified this behavior I can make the changes I need to in order to correct it.

I have everything I need to succeed in my goal to regaining my health and strength. Now I just need to use my tools!

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