Tonight has been one of the most horrible nights I've had in a long time. I got a letter in the mail from the colonoscopy center today with an overview of my procedure costs for Thursday. I burst into tears when I read it. Just for the colonoscopy it's going to be $606. That's not counting the surgery center fees, the doctor's fees or the anesthesiologist's fees. We simply cannot afford that at this point. I will have to call the center tomorrow and cancel the appointment. I didn't realize that insurance wouldn't cover more than that, or I never would have wasted the doctor's time in the first place.
Hubby was so disappointed when he read the letter as well. He feels he's not able to provide the things I need, like health care. I told him simply it's not his fault. I used to work in the insurance business, I should have known that our policy was 80/20 and taken that into account before making all these appointments. We had an emotional conversation about it and it was decided that maybe in the future we can make the appointment but for now it simply cannot be paid for. I can't stop crying and he fell asleep, so that conversation didn't really make either of us feel a damned bit better.
Right now I feel as if the only things I bring into a relationship are financial and emotional stress. I have debt and keep accruing more as time goes on it seems. I messed up hubby's credit when the car in both our names got repossessed. I feel like moving back in brought a whole lot of unnecessary stress to him. He says differently, but I think he's in denial. I'm not working right now, nor is there a schedule that I could work that would avoid having to have childcare of some sort in the afternoons, which again we can't afford. It's just a vicious cycle of me costing folks money that they willingly give even if they don't have it.
I feel the need to apologize to anyone who I've been in a relationship with and caused hardship. Whether it be financial or emotional. I'm not a bad person, but apparently my bad health and bad decisions affect people on a grander scale than I was realizing. I hate thinking about all the people I may have hurt over time. It's in the past now but in order to come to terms with it all I have to say I'm sorry.
So tomorrow is a new day and I'm hoping that things get better this week. My mental state is in the toilet right now and I feel like total crap. I didn't have any coffee this morning, maybe that's why my day went to hell. Maybe I've been wrong all along, maybe coffee can fix everything...(eyes her coffee pot suspiciously). Hmm.