Yep, Still Sick...

I woke up this morning and yep, I'm still sick. Chest is rattling when I cough. Fever all day and night. I'm to the point where I'm hoping I die soon because I hate being this sick and death seems like a nice relief to the illness. My throat is always hurting now and the only relief is when I take my medication and sleep it off. I'm so freaking sick of sleeping. I am so bored because I can't do much and being upright for too long makes me sick to my stomach and lightheaded. This is honestly not what I wanted for Christmas.

On a kinda funny note, I've been way under my calorie count all week on My Fitness Pal. The poor app keeps reminding me every day that I am eating too few calories and that my body is going to go into starvation mode. I feel like I should justify my lack of food intake with something but there is no way to do that on the app. So I giggle inside when I see the disclaimer about my starving myself and eating too little every day. Honestly I'm surprised I can eat at all, it's usually only 1-2 small meals a day just enough to keep my headaches from flaring up too bad. Soup would be perfect but most gluten free soups are just nasty and I don't like them. Who would have thought that Campbell's chicken soup could be bad for me?

Keep fingers crossed form me that this antibiotic kicks this virus soon so I might be able to enjoy my holiday even the slightest bit....thanks!

Sick of Being Sick

Just wanted to give a heads up that I probably won't be on my blog much for the next few days. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I have a sinus infection and acute bronchitis. I have antibiotics and decongestant and was told to push fluids. I'm only up right now because I have to make sure that my son gets to school this morning. Once he's off at school, I'm going back to bed, taking my medicine and sleeping the rest of the day. I have a note from the doctor that says I am not to return to work until at least Friday but if I am still feeling bad to stay at home so I don't spread my germs. I am contagious, just be glad you are on that side of the monitor from me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I hope everyone has a splendid rest of the week and I'm hoping that I feel well enough to do some blogging before Christmas is actually here. Warm thoughts of health with you all!

Lounge Weekend

I can honestly say that this was a total lounge weekend. I decided to decompress from being sick and tired all week and I think it did me some good. I need about another 5 days of said lounging and I think it would be perfect (preferably on a beach where it's warm!) I managed to stay on track with my food choices this weekend (sans Friday night) and I was pleased to be under my calories allotment for Saturday and Sunday. I did notice a gain of 1 pound, but that is what I call the floating pound because it comes and goes at will it seems. It could be water retention, it could be something more, who knows? I'm not going to break down over 1 little pound, but if it invites friends, then it's going to be on like Donkey Kong.

Saturday we decided to try a new restaurant that we haven't been to yet. It's called Chow's Mongolian Grill. It's very similar to Ghengis Grill downtown, but much much closer to where we live currently. I loved the small restaurant atmosphere, the pleasant staff and the delicious choices for my bowl of deliciousness. They staff even saw my son struggling to eat with chopsticks, so they took the chopsticks and added a handmade "helper" (that's what my son calls it) so the sticks were easier to control. Think folded piece of napkin and a rubber band at the end to keep the sticks together at the top and easier to pinch together to pick up pieces. It was really nice of them. After our filling and yummy lunch we ventured out to see the Hobbit. I wasn't sure my son was going to be able to handle an almost 3 hour movie, but he did just fine. I loved it. The cinematography was beautiful and the story line was just as I remember it in the book (mostly). After we left the theater, we went shopping at Best Buy and then we went and had dinner at Steak and Shake since kids eat free there on weekends. It was a great family day out with no arguments and no whining or crying from my restless 10 year old. Score one for happy times out!

Yesterday I did mostly nothing. We watched some documentaries on Netflicks, a couple of really good movies and I played on the Sims 3. I made dinner and afterwards I tackled the kitchen because I could no longer see my kitchen sink. That was an issue. I have a few tupperware containers and my steamer left to wash but I'm pretty sure I can tackle those tonight after dinner. The bulk of the dishes were hand washed and one load did make it into the dishwasher. At least I got one chore accomplished for the weekend so I don't feel like a total lounger.

Today I head back to work. I have to stay on task and on schedule this week with my house work. I don't want to fall too behind on it and end up spending all weekend trying to regain order. I am going to eat my healthy choices and I want to get some reading in as well. (I didn't touch my book at all this weekend which is a little sad). Back to basics and hopefully this week will have a happy ending just like last week did without all the crazy illness and stress of last week!

An End to a Bad Week

This past week was definitely not the best of weeks. Feeling sick, getting gluten in my gluten free pizza and having stress about work and health make for a tiring week. I was so glad that yesterday was Friday and that I could start hopefully what would be a good weekend!

Yesterday I had my appointment to pick up my orthotics from the podiatry office. I was nervous because I've never had to walk with inserts like that and I wasn't sure how they would feel. Honestly I hate them. They are rigid, they are stiff and it feels like I am constantly stepping on something. The nurse told me this would happen. That I would have to learn to love my orthotics and that the relief from pain would come with time. She fitted them properly in my athletic shoes and I laced up my shoes and stood up. I felt like I was walking in heels because the heel of the orthotic is slightly elevated. The hardness of the insert was not a comfortable feeling. I've worn those gel inserts before that surround your feet in a pillow of comfort. However a true orthotic is not about blissful looking gels or about comfort, they are about correctly a problem and alleviating pain. I have to do this, I have to be consistent and take care of my body or when I'm older, I'm going to have to have surgery possibly or not be able to walk unassisted. Chin up and move forward.

Orthotic Inserts

I have to slowly adjust my feet to the orthotics. I was only allowed to wear them for an hour yesterday. My feet hurt most of last night from just an hours worth of the change. Today I'll need to wear them 2 hours. I'll increase my wear time an hour up until I get to 8 hours. Then I'll be able to wear them all day without problems. I have to go back to the podiatrist in 2 weeks for another follow up. They are going to check my feet again and make sure the orthotics are actually helping. Make sure the swelling of the plantar fascia ligament is down to normal ranges and that my legs are experiencing less pain after walking. This will allow me to work my way back up to being able to be physically active again and be able to hike during the warm months. I love being outdoors and I would be so upset if I couldn't explore the trails and walkways.

My New Nike's

We went to dinner at Red Robin last night. I wanted to have a nice dinner out and to unwind from all the stress of my week. Emotionally I should have chosen a more healthy place to eat. I knew that I was going to comfort myself with my food choices. I was definitely going to go over my calorie limit for the day. I didn't care. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to enjoy my food and not worry about calories or fat content or sugar content. I wanted to be able to enjoy a night out like I used to before all my health choices and changes. I ordered freckled lemonade to drink. Each glass was 125 calories. I had 2 glasses and eyed a third one needfully (but didn't drink it). I ordered a Royal Robin burger was was 1080 calories. I ate some fries of course which was 190 calories worth. Overall my dinner was 1520 calories last night, that's more than my daily allotment! That's not counting my 721 calories for lunch (chicken teriyaki with fried rice and vegetables) or my 165 calorie breakfast. Overall yesterday I had 2406 calories. That is the most I've had since I started using My Fitness Pal a month ago. I was 926 calories over my allotment. I came home and couldn't sleep because I was so worried about my lack of self control. It's just one day but it was so easy for me to just do it and not care about the results. As a punishment to myself I started watching a show last night about people with food addictions that were extreme. Not just a love of certain types of foods, but an extreme eating disorder that required help from medical professionals. I was in shock at the amount of foods these poor people were eating. I kept thinking to myself, that could be me. I could be wrecking my body and causing health issues to myself if I didn't recognize this behavior in the future and take steps to avoid it. I can understand now where that desire to eat like that came from and I believe that I have ways to prevent it in the future. I feel fat this morning and I'm still suffering from the bloat from the gluten I consumed in my gluten free pizza on Wednesday night.

Today I'm going to decompress. I'm going to do things that make me happy and that will allow me to feel enjoyment in something that isn't food. I ate my cereal and banana this morning and an hour later I feel hungry. I know that's my body tricking me because I indulged last night and now my stomach thinks that's the new eating habit. It's not going to happen. I'm going to eat healthy choices today, lots of vegetables and lean proteins. I need to fill my body with good things not the crap that I think will make me feel better. It's hard to admit that I have a weakness for food, I never in a million years thought that food would be a crutch but it is. I am going to walk unassisted without my crutch because I owe it to myself and my family.

Back on Track, Maybe?

Yesterday was my day of rest. I can honestly say that nothing exciting happened at all. After calling in to work I slept most of yesterday. I woke up around lunchtime and having missed breakfast I was starving. My hubby made me some white rice with steamed veggies in it. Then as a treat for my sore throat I ate 1/2 cup of my caramel praline crunch frozen yogurt (my new favorite). The taste reminds me of maple syrup or something you would put on top of pancakes. I absolutely love it and it's not only low calorie but also has probiotics in it. Thank you Blue Bunny brand for making something that is semi-good for me and delicious too!

I came downstairs around dinner time and was in a conundrum as to what I wanted to eat for dinner. My husband agreed to do grocery shopping for me so we wouldn't be out of food later this week but that still left me with what I wanted to eat right then. I couldn't decided, nothing sounded good and my stomach was not feeling any of the suggestions that I gave it. I decided that I was going to order pizza and either enjoy it or have plenty leftover for lunch at work. Domino's has a gluten free crust (10 inch personal size = 6 small pieces). I added grilled chicken, mushroom, black olive and pineapple to it with the marinara sauce (also gluten free). Overall it was pretty good. I hate the fact that most restaurants slightly burn gluten free crusts because they are thinner and don't require high heat to cook through. I've learned to live with it in order to have a guilty pleasure that I don't have often. I ate 3 pieces and the rest is going with me to work for lunch today. I find this amazing since past experiences when I have consumed the entire pizza. I only ate half and felt full. Maybe it's the sickness or the tummy full of orange juice but whatever it is I'll take it!

I woke up feeling decent this morning. Not super, not marvelous, not even great, but decent. I didn't feel like death warmed over and I could actually breathe through my nose. This means that I'm going back to work and hopefully won't be too far behind from my missed day yesterday. I hate the idea of going out in the cold (it's freezing out there today) but I have a scarf and a winter jacket that will keep me warm. Now if only I could find my gloves (which I seem to lose every year).

I've been reading here and there when I am not too sleepy to do so. I'm enjoying the book one of the Xanth series by Piers Anthony. It's interesting so far. Hopefully I'll be able to get more into my book as I start feeling better and don't need to sleep all the time. I put the book down for a few hours last night to play on the Sims 3. I have the Seasons expansion and I'm loving playing around with it. Now if only I could find the CTRL + SHIFT + C "motherlode" function for real life!

Sidelined for a day

I am staying home sick today because I woke up with a raw swollen throat and a small fever. My nose is stuffy and I feel worse than I have the past few days. So once my son is off to school I'm going to take some more cold medicine and go back to bed. Rest and fluids for me today and probably not much else.

I love orange juice when I'm sick

My husband did all of our laundry yesterday as well as getting the Christmas tree set up in it's festive spot. I have yet to fan out the branches of said tree (being shoved in a box all year tends to make it a very bunched up sad looking tree). We have to decorate it as well, but that's definitely going to wait until I'm feeling better.

Right now I need lots of S.L.N. (sleep, liquids, Nyquil).

Mmm red death flavor

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

It's a good thing that something in my brain stopped me from calling into work yesterday because my co-worker did and if I had also been out the two new workers would have been in a hole so deep they might not ever have seen the light of day. Despite how horrible I felt I trudged into the office with my pretty pink umbrella (because it was pouring outside yesterday morning) and I helped to reign in the chaos. We were able to get completely caught up and everything ran smoothly and it was overall a very productive day. There was no need for overtime yesterday so I escaped from work at my usual 5:30 time slot and headed home.

I didn't feel like cooking so I microwaved some leftovers for the family. I wasn't a bit hungry due to having a late lunch and I decided to go upstairs and lay down. I read a few more pages in the book I started yesterday then to avoid going to sleep decided to watch a movie instead. I was trying to keep myself awake because if I had fallen asleep when I wanted to I would have been up at a ridiculous time this morning and that would have not been a good thing. After two movies my sleep mask went on and I curled up, my fever had returned so it took me a bit but sleep finally found me.

This morning I still feel crummy. My eyes are dry, I have the sniffles and my body feels like it's made of bricks. It's freezing outside and I'm not looking forward to having to go out in it. I hate the cold weather, I'm much happier in the heat and warmth of sunnier parts of the year, that's for sure. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until my body is over this sickness. I crave the warmth of my blankets and the comfort of my memory foam mattress. I want to be sick and not have to be responsible for anything. However, that is not the case for many adults. The world doesn't stop just because you don't feel good. I still have chores to do, work to manage, meals to prepare, a dog to take out, a child and husband to care for, laundry to do because I am dangerously close to going to work in my pajamas and I still haven't put up the Christmas tree. Just thinking about everything that needs to be done brings on a depression and that feeling of overwhelming failure because I am just not in the holiday spirit or the positive go-getter attitude enough to get anything done. My brain continues to try to shut my body down but I can't let it happen. I have to push on and be the responsible adult I agreed to be when I became a Mom and a wife. I have no idea why I was in such a hurry to grow up when I was a child, being an adult is not all its cracked up to be, that's for sure!

Surprise, Your're Sick!

I woke up yesterday morning with all these good intentions. I was going to clean up the house, do the laundry and possibly organize my bathroom. Well I wasn't feeling 100% so I decided to take it slow. I started the laundry and was playing my Sims 3 game between loads. After awhile I started feeling worse. I went and laid on the couch and tried to drink some chai tea. I fell asleep for a bit then woke up a little while later burning up. My hubby brought me some cold medicine and I gladly took it and went upstairs to bed. I slept most of yesterday so not much got done at all. I kept getting fevers that would spike and break last night. My side of the bed was drenched in sweat by 10pm and I was feeling horrible.

I wake up this morning and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. You know that feeling you get when you sleep too long because you are sick and your body feels like it's made of cement, I'm so there right now. I ate some cereal because despite how crappy I'm feeling I'm still hungry. Nothing is tasting good but I know I have to eat for my body to get healthy and fight off whatever it is that has invaded me so suddenly. After having such a wonderful Saturday, I was looking forward to a productive Sunday so I could start my work week off right. I guess now I just have to go with what I've been dealt this week and ride it out.

Nobody likes being sick, I know but I'm sick of feeling weak and helpless. I wasn't able to get to the gym at all last week because between work and stuff to do at home in the evenings, time just wasn't cooperating with me at all. My back is stiff (probably from all the sleeping yesterday) and my legs are achy. I stretch when I can to try to keep the muscles from tensing up further but that doesn't always work. Why can't I just have the time to get the things done I want to get done in a day? Is that too much to ask, really?

I could continue to whine incessantly all morning at this rate. A storm has rolled in and thunder, rain and high winds are what I woke up to this morning. Great so on top of me feeling like garbage I have to deal with bad weather today too? *insert eye roll here*. Whatever, let's just get his day over with, thanks.

The Magic of Saturdays

I decided that Saturday was going to be my day of lounging and relaxing. After the work week and all the stress and chaos, I felt I had deserved a day "off" from the responsibilities of life. I gladly made that yesterday.

Now in my defense I did do one thing that was on my list of chores and that was to pick up my dog's monthly flea treatment tablet from the vet. The rest of the day belonged to me however. After picking up the dog's medicine, I went to get my brows waxed. Sure that's not very relaxing but it makes me feel better about my appearance and I feel more feminine when I have it done. After that I went to my favorite book store, McKays and decided to peruse the shelves on a mission to find some new reading material. Well due to the wonderfully cute new app that I got on my phone where I can make a list of books I want to read and their authors, I was able to find what I was looking for. I zoned in and started grabbing books from the series. It's the Zanth series from Piers Anthony. Several of my geek friends have read these books and they have recommend that I read them as well. There are 25 books in the series, I was able to get 20 of them. I was so stoked. I came home with that bag of books and my husband was like "good gracious baby, did you go shopping or what?" He was secretly excited about my purchases too I think because he wants to reread that series as well. There are several books on my "to read" list that I wanted to get but funds were not unlimited and some of the books are still in hardback and kind of pricey. I will make my way through the ones that I recently purchased first. I also picked up The Perfect Blood by Kim Harrison, the next book in the Hollows series. Then I made a purchase that I've been promising to make for a few years now. I picked up the entire set of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books. Since I saw the movie and found out there was a book series associated with it, I've wanted to read them. We were at Books a Million on Friday night and my hubby found the complete works (in one large book) and I couldn't say no this time. So it looks like I have plenty to keep me busy for awhile, which always makes me smile.

When I was young I used to read all the time. It was what I did when I wasn't outside playing. Over the years I've let modern technology and time get in the way of my love for reading. It's easier to play video games for quick entertainment. I recently decided (about a month ago) that I wanted to get back to basics. I wanted to have a hobby that was going to set a good example for my son and allow me the downtime from reality that I need at the end of a long day. In that month I finished two books that I had started and never finished. Now I'm moving along into the Zanth series. Reading is one of those things that brings back fond memories of my childhood and times that were much simpler. When I didn't have all the adult responsibilities and the only person that I had to answer to was my Mom. A nice cup of hot tea and a good book go a long way with me and that path can lead me only to inner peace and satisfaction with myself.

Last night after my shopping spree at the bookstore, we decided to go to downtown Chattanooga and watch the Starlight Christmas Parade. It was really fun and there were some very interesting entries into the parade. It's the first parade my son has ever been to in his life (and he's 10!) It brought back memories of going to the parade in my hometown every year when the county fair would come through. I looked forward to the parade and fair every year growing up! After last night's parade we went down to the riverfront and watched a lighted boat parade and the fireworks. Overall it was a night of whimsy and good times. We went to dinner afterwards which was way later than our usual dinner time but I was ok with that for one night. I came home, finished a book I was working on and promptly put the sleep mask on and crashed afterwards.

Today I have to step back into reality a little and get this house in order for the week. I have to clean the kitchen, prepare some foods for me for the week, do laundry (again) and clean bathrooms (mine needs to be reorganized again). I also need to put up the Christmas tree. I got the wreath hung and the mantle decorated last night. The tree takes awhile because it's a plastic tree and I have to fan out all the limbs before we decorate it and after being in a tiny box for a year, those limbs are very squished together and not very attractive looking. I have a huge to do list but I think I'm ready. Now the question is, what to start first?

And the Bottom Fell Out...

I arrived at work yesterday morning in a "I can conquer the world" mood. I was ready to work, I was smiling and I knew that I was going to knock out some claims that day. I had just sat down in my seat and our supervision/trainer comes bursting into the room. She had guns blazing and they were aimed at all 4 of us! She was pissed and she was handing us our asses. The yelling and condescending tones were flying and I suddenly found myself in the throes of an anxiety attack. Not the way I pictured my Thursday morning starting but ready or not it was happening.

It started with tears. Tears of feeling not good enough, tears of anger for allowing the proverbial ball to be dropped on a super important and huge account (it didn't get processed correctly and needed to be restarted so the second half of the process could run, it was due that day). My tears were flowing and I couldn't get them to stop. All those years of my mother telling me how I wasn't ever going to amount to anything because I was too stupid to know how came rushing back to me. I felt like a scolded child who had tried their best to impress their elder and it went completely wrong and blew up in their face. I bit my lips trying to control the tears but that didn't help. Withing a few moments I lost control of my breathing. It is very similar to having an asthma attack, you can't get a deep breath in and you feel like an elephant has taken up residence in your chest. I started shaking because of the stress of the breathing and crying. Yet through all this, I wasn't making a sound. It is a silent suffering and other than a couple of sniffles due to my nose running I didn't make a peep. My supervisor was only in the room for a few moments then she stormed out and I have to say that I was left feeling defeated and seriously thinking about packing up my stuff and walking off the job.

The co-worker that sits right next to me noticed what was going on and went to talk to the supervisor about it. She came back to our room and apologized for her outburst but it was business and if she was going to get her butt chewed for this account not being done properly you can best assure so were we. I didn't hear her words. I was already in shut down mode. She told me to go wash my face and collect myself. I don't remember walking to the bathroom and washing my face, I don't remember returning to my desk looking like I had spent too much time in the sun because I was red. I started itching and scratched my arms out of habit. The tears started again even though she was talking calmly and telling us it wasn't personal at all it was business and sometimes she had to be the hard-ass even though she hated to do it. "Why do you make me do these things to you? It's your fault" was all I was hearing even though that was never once said. I tried to focus on getting stuff going because work had to be done. The emotion spike had lead to what I call an anxiety dump. When all the emotions and physical effects of the anxiety bottom out and end up in the pit of your stomach as a wave of illness. The nausea hit me and I had to fight the urge to vomit. I was already fighting the urge to quit. My vision blurred and I felt like I was no longer in reality. I tried to breathe normally and it hurt. My head began to ache and I suddenly grew very very sleepy.

I didn't let my body pass out, I simply started working and focused everything I had left on doing my job. After I was able to not look like a crazed homicidal maniac (because my pupils dilated and I looked almost animal-like in the face), I went into the cafe and got some hot water for my tea. The warmth of it helped bring me down to normal again or at least what was going to pass for normal that day. I did my work and didn't say much at all. I knew I was still subconsciously fighting the effects of the anxiety dump because my handwriting changed and became very small which is not my usual penmanship at all. I did my paperwork and moved on with my day. I smiled when the conversation needed it and I occasionally answered questions, trying to let my co-workers know that I was fine.

I worked two hours of overtime last night because we were so swamped with requests. I didn't get through near enough of them despite the fact that we had been working our butts off that day. I'm not sure what my coworkers think of me at this point. Honestly, I'm not sure I care. I have a condition, a condition that has not flared up in over a year at this point and one that I weaned myself off medications for. I didn't have a pill that would help at all yesterday I did it myself. I remembered my breathing, I focused on something to take my mind off of belittling myself, I drank tea to connect to reality and when I could I sent a text to my husband and told him what had happened. I needed to reach out and talk about it with someone while it was still fresh in my mind and I could convey how I was feeling. He listened, he was concerned for my health and told me if I needed to quit the job to just do so and come home. I decided to stay the course and work through the problems and be the employee that everyone knows I can be.

Anxiety won yesterday, no doubt about it. I'm still feeling the effects of the anxiety dump today as well. I slept ok but I woke up feeling heavy and with my stomach not feeling so well. I know the side effects of my condition can last a few days so I'm going to try to take it easy today and take it slow. I have to go to work, I'll probably have to work some overtime but if I approach this with a positive calm attitude the anxiety won't win today.It will know I'm back in control and it will return to it's cave where it will wait for the next moment to spring up on me unaware. Anxiety and depression never go away, they are conditions that will always be there, but you can control them and take back your life. It just takes the willpower to not be the loser and the focus to use the strength you have. Today is a new day and I will be part of it instead of just going through the motions of it.

Do I Really Need That Burger?

The past few days at work have been hectic. The workload is picking up and people are learning to work together in order for these processes to go from nothing, to a completely finished product. It's hard work and it takes a ton of communication but in the end we can all make this happen, as long as we communicate. This is a process that some people are better at than others. All this disorganization makes me crazy. By lunch time yesterday my eye was twitching and I knew that I had to get out of the office and go purchase my lunch.

I have several super healthy places close by my work that I could have gone and had a very calorie friendly healthy lunch. There are also quite a few bad places to go that is going to fill my belly with grease and fat. My brain knew that I should have gotten a salad or some fresh sushi but no, I went for that burger and fries that I justified eating by saying "I need a burger!"

Really? Did I "need" that burger? No. I could have survived on something with less fat content and more vegetation. I do say that since I have to have my burgers in a lettuce wrap because I can't eat the buns, it does bring the calorie count down significantly. However, it wasn't the calories that came back to haunt me last night, it was the grease. I went to Five Guys and order the hamburger (which is a double patty), I added the lettuce wrap, tomato (3 slices), pickle (8 slices) and sauteed mushrooms (about 2-3 mushrooms sliced total). I ordered a regular fry (which is absolutely huge and could easily feed 2-3 people) and other than a few fries that my coworker took, I ate them all. I also had a red cream soda (it is the most delicious carbonated beverage ever!) When you add all that up into the equation that is my stomach, well, I wasn't feeling so hot last night. I was gassy and bloated feeling and a little on the "stuffed" side. My stomach had gone from all those days of great eating to an afternoon of eating pure crap and it wasn't sure what to do with it.

my burger didn't have cheese

This morning I feel dehydrated. My body needs water and lots of it. I feel like I used to feel all those years when I was eating horribly and eating huge portions all the time. I remember now how unhealthy feels and I can honestly say I really don't want to feel this way anymore. There is nothing I can do to negate my lunch time decision yesterday I have to own it. I have to take responsibility and admit that I had a moment of completely and utter disregard for my body and I ate what I wanted not what I needed. I can't believe I lived with this eating habit for all of my life! I'm honestly not sure how I wasn't obese sooner but I'm glad I wasn't because that would have destroyed my self esteem during my early years. I have tons of mental issues as it is and having self esteem hang ups because of years of bad food choices is definitely one I hate admitting to anyone or even myself at times. So today, I have to reflect and know that I am in control, the food does not make the woman the woman makes the food!

comfort foods should look like this

My Body is Freaking Out!

Lately my body has been doing things that it would not normally do. The past three days has been an interesting turn of events with mood swings, depression, anxiety and bad sleep. I picked up my night time medication yesterday after work and took it at bedtime. I never woke up once. I slept through the night and woke up this morning feeling so much better. It's funny how 300mg of a medication can make all the difference. However, there is a drawback to taking this medication. It is habit forming. My husband looked up the information about the drug online and it is not only habit forming but it has some pretty severe side effects if you stop taking it without being weaned from it first. Which is why the past two days I've felt horrible because I ran out of the pills on Saturday and didn't take any Sunday or Monday. He described the withdrawal symptoms to me and I had most of them. I was so sad. How could a medication that was helping me so well, be bad for my body and even worse if not taken regularly? Needless to say I must continue to take the medication for now but a call is going in to my doctor about it and I want to discuss other medication options that are non habit forming. I don't like feeling dependent on a pill. I must find another alternative that will block the pain without the addiction potential.

Yesterday at work was ridiculous. We are getting busy now that we are going into crunch season. Nerves are stretched thin and tempers are high. Being a temp at the company means that when something goes awry with a process we get blamed first for it, since we're not permanent employees. I usually just shrug off this stress because I know how to do my job, I do my job well and I can back up and do the jobs of the other temps too if I have to. I am a professional and I've been doing this kind of work for years throughout my life. They want us to bring the A game, well all they had to do was ask and I'm going to make sure it gets stepped up a notch and that things run a little smoother in our training room of happiness. (Have I mentioned how much I hate being in a closed room with no windows for 8 hours a day?)

I have not made it to the gym this week at all. I'm not sure that I'm going to have time after work. By the time I get home, get dinner done and cleaned up, it's after 7pm. By that point my body has gone into "I'm tired and want to relax" mode and I just can't find the motivation to go to the gym. I still have Saturdays and Sundays that I can go to the gym in the mornings. Two days a week is better than nothing I suppose. I am thinking about maybe starting my exercise video that I got last year around this time. Back then the workouts were too much for my back and feet to handle but I also weight 210 pounds at that point. Now that I've lost some weight, maybe it won't be so bad. I have to do something though because without exercise to create new lean muscle, I'm not going to be able to burn through all this excess stored fat in my reserve and see significant weight loss results. A pound a week is great but I'm not sure I want to wait 50 weeks to be to my goal weight. (Wow that's almost a year!)

Feeling blah and having some back pain. The emotional roller coaster of hormones is driving me nuts. Another bad side effect of withdrawal from that medication is my monthly cycle started again. It just stopped a week ago and now it's back. If I get a choice in my next lifetime I'm so not being the woman! What am I to do? I guess just hold my head up and get on with my day because life won't pause just because I feel crappy.

this is how I feel today

Bad Sleep Strikes Again

The past two nights have been full of bad sleep for me. I ran out of my night time medication for my arthritis on Saturday and I haven't been able to contact my doctor to get a refill just yet. I didn't realize how much it was helping in the sleep department but it was. I was sleeping through the night and waking up feeling refreshed in the mornings. This has not been the case lately. I wake up all through the night either because of noise or something I'm dreaming. I don't wake up feeling refreshed or happy, I feel hung over and exhausted. I know this is temporary but man does lack of sleep suck!

I didn't make it to the gym last night. I worked a few minutes over at work last night so I could finish some stuff up, by the time I got home, made dinner then got it served it was already almost 6:30pm. Then I looked over at where my kitchen sink should have been and the huge pile of dishes that awaited me and I decided that I was going to clean the kitchen instead of going to the gym. I still got a small workout of bending over to  fill the dishwasher and scrubbing those stubborn tupperware containers so at least it was movement. I may eventually get on track enough here at home to be able to work out in the evenings, it's still something that I'm figuring out time wise.

I am starting to feel the pushes of depression around the edges of my reality. I'm not sure what triggered it this time, but I can feel it looming in the background just waiting to be given a reason to surface full on. I hate that. I think it might be the lack of sleep causing my morning sadness. I think once I get back on track with my arthritis medication I will be back in business as far as waking up in the mornings and getting stuff done. At least that is my hope. Hopefully we will be better organized at work today and the work won't feel like an all out attack on us, yesterday was quite busy and it's only going to get more busy the closer it gets to the end of the year. I totally don't mind the work, but I felt very unorganized and scattered all day yesterday and that makes my OCD go through the roof and makes me irritable. Here's to having better days so I can sleep better at night and get out of this rut of irritation that I seem to be in lately.

It's Monday Already?

When I was a child it seemed like the weekends lasted forever. Those two little days of fun in the sun just couldn't stretch on any further. Now that I am an adult, I come home from work on Friday night and wake up and it is Monday morning. (well at least it feels that way). I think as adults we are getting the short end of the weekend stick and I'd like to lodge a complaint!

Saturday was spa day and it was awesome. My hair appointment was fun, we ended up going darker on my hair because the original copper/brown color that I had done last time was only to help color over the highlights I had done and the shop was out of that color this time around. Now my hair is the incredibly pretty auburn/plum color that, not to toot my own horn here, has always looked awesome on me. I loved it, it makes me feel feminine and like I'm getting attention without screaming "Hey look at me!!!" I think my glasses help in that arena too. They really draw attention to my eyes and face in a very geek chic way. My husband calls them Lisa Loeb glasses. (If you don't know who that is, Google it!)

Saturday evening was spent in the company of two of our friends whom we rarely see. He is a truck driver so it's hit or miss whether or not he'll get weekends off. Well he rolled into town and gave us a call so I told him to head on over. We hung out at our house, then went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. The food was delicious and the company was fun as always.

Yesterday I got up early and got the grocery shopping done. My son cleaned his room and I did his laundry. I baked a delicious looking gluten free pumpkin pie and with the extra pumpkin filling (because the recipe I did made two pies but the box of crust mix I bought only made one pie) I made pumpkin squares. I never realized how healthy pumpkin was. My pumpkin squares are only 86 calories per bar, which is a bonus for me because it didn't push me over my calorie intake for the day like I thought it would. Woo hoo! The past week I have only gone over my calorie allotment once, every other day I was under and still on the weight loss track (even without much exercise).

Tonight I am going to hit the gym after I make dinner and start my evening workout routine. I have to get back to the gym in order to get in my strength training. Sure, I'm losing a pound a week right now but there will come a point where, without new muscle to burn the remaining fat, I will plateau and not lose anymore. I have to get my body stronger. The bonus is if I get strength in my back, the arthritis won't bother me as much as it does now because the muscles will help keep the spine aligned correctly and avoid inflammations. I can live with that. Plus having some definition to my body will only enhance the fact that I have curves and the lose of inches will result in smaller sized clothing eventually, which is always a good thing!

I didn't get around to getting our holiday decorations up yet but I am going to work on that hopefully some during the week and probably put up the tree on Saturday. I have OCD and my Christmas tree has to be perfectly arranged or it drives me nuts. The ornaments have to be properly spaced and the tree skirt has to sit just right. I know it may seem over the top but it's who I am and I've accepted it. (No, no no! Two blue ornaments cannot be next to each other, gimme that!)

Saturday Morning Reflections

I have to admit that the beginning of this week was horrible, however the end of the week mellowed out and was actually not that bad. I am no longer suffering from extreme fatigue, which is always a plus. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday because I am letting my body recover from the stress I had put on it. I can definitely feel the difference between when I am going to the gym and when I don't. I plan on starting back on Monday evening after work and trying an evening routine plan for awhile. I have discovered that over the past two days I seem to have more energy at night than I thought I did. I could easily have come home, fixed dinner and gone to the gym. It might also help with any stress that follows me home from a long work day. So, I'm looking forward to trying the new routine out and seeing if I have success with it!

I did lost 1 pound this week. I was shocked when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I weighed in at 189. I have been pretty active most of the week, with 3 days of gym time, and two days of walking about and doing some house chores. That meets My Fitness Pal goal of 1 pound per week and that makes me extremely happy. I love it when I make goals and achieve them without too much trouble. I did learn one thing this week though. On Thursday I wasn't feeling very hungry and I didn't take snacks to work like I usually do. Well between breakfast, lunch and dinner I only ate 930 calories that day. When I logged that into My Fitness Pal I got this warning in all red letters that said basically "You have eaten too little and you need to maintain at least 1200 calories a day or else your body will go into starvation mode". Holy crap did my app just scold me? It sure did. I made sure I consumed my needed calories yesterday (I probably even went over a bit) and took snacks to work, even if I only ate one of them. We were so busy at work I'm surprised that we even got to eat lunch! So now I know that with MFP if I eat too much or eat too little, it tells me what I've done wrong and makes gentle suggestions to NOT do that again because it's bad for me.

Today is my spa day. I was super excited to find out that we didn't have to work over time this weekend at work. I am going to get my bangs cut because I am starting to resemble a sheep dog with them all in my eyes and such and my hair colored touched up. I absolutely love this coppery brown that my stylist did for me last time. It's as close to my natural hair color as I'm going to get and I love the warmth of the red/brown combination against my skin tone. It's hard to see in pictures because it just looks brown, but the copper really pops in the sunlight! I am also going to get my nails done. Since I started working and have some surplus cash every now and then I've been getting my nails done every 2-3 weeks. I like the manicured look and the way my hands don't look so old. It is said that you can tell a woman's "true" age by the appearance of her hands. Well if that the case I'm surprised that people haven't thought I was much older than I am because my hands show all the years on them. Wrinkles, fine lines and a ruddiness that comes with age. Our hands do a lot and I have to admit that I should probably pamper them more than I do but for now they are getting pretty new nails because that's in my budget.

Overall this week has been good. I am feeling good about myself and most of my choices for the week. Whether it's food or exercise I can say that I haven't done too bad this time. Now just to continue to do well and hope that scale keeps losing that pound every week so I can have something to brag about on Saturday mornings!